Everyone involved in a divorce has resentment. That is understood but for the sake of your children you need to learn how to keep it under wraps. Learn how.
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
—Malachy McCourt
Malachy McCourt was spot-on. Resentment is corrosive, debilitating, and completely counterproductive.
Everyone is entitled to wallow, as that is between you and your conscience, and perhaps anyone who chooses to be around you while you do it. Wallow away. Everyone needs to indulge those feelings, acknowledge them, heal, and move on. You can always circle back; in fact, I recommend that you do, and that you bring ice cream and movies.
Resentment is completely different. Resentment is something that you think is between you and another person, something you think is felt by that person through sheer force of will and laser-focused rage. The truth is, they aren't participants. They can't feel it, may not be aware of it, would not attach the same value to it as you do, and might even dismiss it entirely. You wear resentment like you wear your skin: it is subjective, intensely personal, always there, and always vulnerable and sensitive, and others haven't the faintest clue how you feel encased in it.
Shed it. Get help! Don't feed your resentment; rather, try to learn how to let it go.
You have a long road ahead, one that disappears into the horizon, circles the globe, and is right there behind you when you look over your shoulder. If you do this right, you will be walking this road indefinitely, and you'll want to light. Do you really want to give piggyback rides to real or imagined slights, indignation, and your own personal life-disaster gag reel on permanent loop? No one else is watching it, and you are giving rent-free space in your brain to someone from whom you've already decided to separate.
Worse, that person is dragging around his or her own blooper reel of things that he or she may regret or resent, so the person isn't even suffering along with you. You are suffering in parallel. I bet you never considered that. It's because resentment is intensely personal and cannot be forced upon another in any meaningful way. You can't (and shouldn't) expect anyone else to feel and see and think as you do, so any energy you spend on resentment is wasted on the OP and bad for your own well being.
I don't pretend to know the best way to shed resentment; I find myself tipping over into it periodically, but it happens less frequently as time goes by and acceptance sets in. With that comes a feeling of freedom, and—wait for it—hope! You no longer have to factor that other person into your formula for personal fulfillment. Anything you do from now on is a product of your ability and willingness to let go, look ahead, and realize that you will never have power over how another person thinks or behaves. In fact, what another person thinks is none of your concern or business! Remember the golden rule about treating others the way you'd like to be treated, NO MATTER WHAT. That applies even if you are 100 percent right and the OP is 300 percent wrong.
You and you alone have power over your own thoughts and behavior, and you have an opportunity to start fresh with new habits that don't include spending any more time launching unhealthy thought missiles at an unappreciative and probably oblivious audience.
© 2012 Melinda Roberts
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