Dating after divorce or separation can be awkward, terrifying or fantastic, depending upon the approach you take. It's important to make sure you've done your healing work after the ending of a significant relationship before you rush headlong into a new one. This article gives some valuable tips on how to get starting in the dating world again after divorce.
Dating after divorce can be intimidating. For some people, it may be a few decades since you've been out there in the dating scene. As a divorce coach and author, a big concern my clients have is what to do to ensure they have more success in their future relationships.
Here are some important tips to get you successfully back into the dating world and on the road to successful, loving relationships.
1. Date Yourself First
The best predictor of the relationships you'll have with romantic partners is the kind of relationship you have with yourself. Date yourself first and take some time to get your feet back on the ground. Give yourself the kind of love and appreciation you'd like to have in a future partner. Light a candle for dinner, buy yourself some flowers, and tell yourself how gorgeous you look in the morning.
2. Beware the Rebound Relationship
Take your first relationship out of the gate with a grain of salt. Think of the first relationship after divorce like training wheels on a bicycle. It helps you get back in the game, but may not be something you want to keep in the long run. Beware if you're the first relationship for your new partner as well.
3. Get Clear on What You're Looking For
From your divorce experience, you probably have a clear picture of the characteristics, behaviors and attitudes that DON'T work for you. Write them each down and then ask what you do want. For example, instead of self-centered or unfaithful, you may want to list caring and loyal as qualities you'd like your date to have. Put your focus on the positive qualities and use them as a yardstick to decide who to date or not.
4. Keep Your Ex-partner Out Your Future Relationships
Do you find yourself endlessly talking about your ex, or comparing your new partner to your old? Stop and get honest about whether you're really ready to date again. Sharing about past relationships as information is fine. Endlessly psychoanalyzing and complaining is not, plus it's a big turn-off.
If you're divorced, why are you allowing this person to consume so much of your time and attention? Find someone like a trusted friend, divorce coach or therapist to help you work out your unresolved feelings.
5. Do Something Each Week That Scares You
Divorce is an opportunity to not only rebuild, but reinvent your life. And that can feel scary! It's important to expand your comfort zone. Do something each week (or even each day) that scares you or stretches you. Check out a new class you've been interested in or go to a singles mixer. If you feel your fear coming up, welcome it as a sign that you are stretching your comfort zone and are on the right track.
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