One of the most useful qualities an adult can possess is the ability to bounce back in the face of disappointment and adversity. Depriving our children of opportunities to develop resilience does not serve them well in the long run.
One of the most useful qualities an adult can possess is the ability to bounce back in the face of disappointment and adversity. History is filled with successful people who kept trying against great odds and numerous disappointments. They refused to let life's "failures" define them. How did they develop this ability? It's highly likely that they grew up knowing they had to face the consequences of their own choices and actions. They did not expect someone to run to their rescue every time they faced injustice, disappointment, or hardship. They were taught that "life is not always fair." Since they did not grow up sheltered from the storms of life, they were well prepared to face them.
Today, we parents do not want our children to suffer in any way if we can prevent it. We are quick to solve their problems, run to their rescue, and place ourselves between them and the unfairness of life. We do it with the best of intentions. We don't want them to have to learn the hard way, and we desperately want them to be treated in a just and fair manner at all times. If we had the power to adjust the whole world according to our wishes, there would be no problem with this. We could shelter our children, knowing that the world would do so as well. Unfortunately, that is not the case. We have only to turn on the news or read the paper to see that unfairness reigns in abundance. Depriving our children of opportunities to develop resilience does not serve them well in the long run.
How do we develop resilience in our children? We can
1. allow them to experience disappointments. These experiences will serve them well in the future.
2. refrain from solving their problems. In this way, they will feel a sense of empowerment.
3. realize that growth takes place during times of struggle.
4. have faith in their coping skills. They will then have faith in themselves.
5. put things into perspective. Very few things are truly catastrophic.
6. ask them how they want to deal with their problems.
7. support and encourage them when they bounce back from disappointment.
8. stop being more worried about their happiness than they are. This sends the wrong message.
9. acknowledge our own disappointments. Give them permission to acknowledge theirs.
10. see failure as nothing more than feedback.
11. resist letting them know we feel sorry for them, so we do not encourage victimization.
12. set clear boundaries.
Copyright © 2008 by Holly A. Cox, L.C.P.C., C.D.C.®
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