Divorce - 5 Tips to Master Your Fear in Divorce

Divorced? Separated? It's a pretty scary prospect to many who are on the road to divorce.

So many questions come up. Will I be alright? Will my children grow up emotionally scarred from my relationship breakdown? Will I be able to cope financially? Am I doomed to be single? What if my next relationship tanks too? Underlying these questions is fear.

Some of this fear is primal and wired into your neurological system. Fear is supposed to have you pause and make sure there aren't any Saber-toothed tigers lurking around. A lot of fear is simply old programming you inherited growing up.

When you're in the transition from one phase to another, your mind feverishly tries to assess and analyze that future state before you've actually experienced it. I've broken down the word "FEAR" into the following acronym: "Feeling Expansion And Resisting." When you take on new challenges, you push the envelope of your comfort zone and expand. Creating a new life for yourself as a divorced person is definitely such a challenge!

Fear is like a warning system that is triggered during that expansion and causes you to pause, to re-assess whether you really want to leave familiar ground and venture into the unknown. So how do you master your fears?

1. Reframe Fear as a Positive Sign

I encourage my clients to use fear as a confirmation they are making progress. Rather than trying to squelch those feelings, what if you welcomed fear as a sign you're moving ahead. If you're not experiencing some degree of fear, chances are you're not stretching too far out of your existing comfort zone.

2. Feeling Uncomfortable is Normal

Whether it's going on your first date post-separation, your first weekend without the children or planning your first "solo" vacation, the first time you do anything new is going to feel awkward or uncomfortable. You're building new neural pathways in your brain that will allow you to carry out that new task with ease. It takes time and repetition to build those pathways successfully, so acknowledge yourself for being willing to try something that feels uncomfortable for you.

3. Just Do It

No matter how hard you try, you cannot "think" your way through fear. Fear dissipates once you start to take action. Identify the smallest, bite-sized baby step you could take and simply start with that. Experience is the best teacher.

4. Watch your Language

Our parents were definitely on to something with this warning! Even our choice of words we use can subtly keep us stuck as a powerless victim of our fears. When we get fearful and want to resist change, we'll often say "I can't" do it. Why not be honest about it and say "I won't" do it? Instead of labeling something as a "mistake," what if you called it a "learning opportunity"? Watch your language and choose words that leave you feeling energized and empowered.

5. Try It, You'll Like It!

When feeling unsure or fearful about your next step, I recommend viewing your next move simply as an experiment. Go ahead and take that next baby step. If you don't like the results, you can always go back to doing things the way you used to. Why not at least give yourself the experience before you judge yourself. Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained!