Parenting a Rebellious Teenager

Parenting a Rebellious Teenager

So many parents of young children joke about “the rebellious years” in a teenager’s life, saying they’re getting ready for the talking back or the “regular” teenage problems. They sometimes reminise about their own teen years, making comments like, “I know what I was doing or thinking at that age and it wasn’t good!”

For many parents of teenagers, however, rebellion is a regular occurance in their lives and it affects the entire family dynamic. This vicious circle often begins with the teen acting out and the parents reacting, which usually prompts the teen to react even more. Pretty soon the situation has escalated and even if the younger siblings aren’t directly involved, they witness the scenes and feel the tension in the home.

Sometimes the rebellion is simply the teen trying to discover him/herself. They might blame their parents for being too strict and might start dressing differently just to get a reaction for not fitting into the family “mold.” Or maybe their grades might slip because they’re tired of the pressure to always perform well. This type of rebellion is usually just a phase that peeters out with time and maturity.

More serious or constant rebellion can be a symptom of ADD/ADHD or even ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). This certainly does not mean your child is “crazy” (this word is truly thrown around too much these days) but you’ll need to seek the help of a professional to help your teen and your family cope.

Here are some tips if you find your teen is starting to rebel against you. Please remember that there are many different courses of action and not one solution will work for everyone. It’s vitally important to assess your own child’s behavior without comparing to other teen friends or family members.

1. Remember that you are the parent, not the friend. Parents are responsible for setting limits and boundaries and sometimes this role is muddied in younger childhood. Do not be afraid to set limits, enforce house rules, and to voice your expectations. Don’t expect your teen to be a mindreader…have a conversation or write down the rules so everybody is on the same page.

2. Compromising is not giving in. If your child rebels against your rules and thinks you’re too strict, why not try to compromise with him/her? This isn’t to say, “OK, do it your way,” but rather gives your child a change to use his/her thinking skills to come up with a different solution. This give and take is an important life lesson to be utilized in their adult years.

3. It’s OK to dislike your teen’s behavior and it’s OK to tell them so. Believe it or not, this stranger in your house is the same little kid you used to push on the swing. But be sure to differentiate between loving the child and disliking the child’s behavior. Good kids often do bad things or make big mistakes and showing forgiveness and support is better than giving up on them.

4. Seek out medical help if you fear for your child’s safety. There are certain situations that are simply out of a parent’s control and require the help of professionals. Sometimes parents live in denial or a very idealized world, thinking they can solve the child’s every problem. Big problems rarely disappear on their own so don’t be ashamed of asking your doctor or school counselor for help, especially if the child’s behavior makes you fear for someone’s safety.

5. Remember your own teen years. If you felt stressed and rebelled as a teen, think about what would have helped you through that time? Tell your teen that you went through this period as well and some of the hard lessons you learned. Also remember that being a teen now is much more difficult than in years past. Kids are growing up faster and having adult experiences much younger, thanks in part to the internet,  social media, and peer pressure.

6. Listen to your teen. Yes, you might be thinking why would my teen open up in the midst of rebelling but teens are unpredictable. An incident at school or with a friend might spur the need to ask questions and parents need to be receptive to this opportunity. Teens often have to build up strength to start serious conversations and telling them to “Wait til after dinner,” most likely will shut them down for good.

“Rebelling” is almost synonomous with “teenagers” but if parents stay connected with their teen and show support and willingness to communicate, the rebelling can often be less stressful. Just remember that your teen is trying to find his/her way in the world and sometimes those are tough lessons to learn.