Working and Parenting - Part Three

Finding the Right Caregiver

Before you start the search for a specific caregiver, formulate the qualities you want -- keeping in mind the realistic fact that your clone doesn't exit. As a starter, consider that you want one substitute parent. Consistency of care is the least you can offer your baby. The same caregiver with the same mind-set as you is idealistic, yes; but it's a place to begin. Next, try the following sources for possible leads.

Baby's doctor. Pediatricians often have bulletin boards of child-care positions; be sure your doctor knows and recommends the caregiver (although this does not replace your thoroughly checking this person out yourself). The doctor is likely to know mothers who run a mini-day-care center in their own homes, rather than those who will come to yours. Consider putting up you own help-wanted notice on the doctor's bulletin board.

Resource and referral agencies. Training in how to find quality care is provided by these agencies. They also maintain a referral list of licensed day-care houses and facilities in your community. If no agency is available in your area, contact your local social service agency.

Also consider these sources:
* your church or synagogue
* senior-citizen organizations
* hospital auxiliaries
* your local La Leche League group
* newspaper ads -- best to write your own
* nanny, au pair, and baby-sitting agencies

Interviewing Candidates

For those of you who have to sift through resumes and conduct interviews trying to decide to whom you will entrust your precious baby, here's how to make the decision process less overwhelming and the selected caregiver less of a stranger.

Make a list. Before starting the selection process, make a list of questions you need to ask (see list below). Put the most important questions at the top so if the answers aren't satisfactory you don't waste time covering your whole list.

Screen first. To save time and fruitless interviewing, ask applicants to send you resumes and references. Select from these whom to telephone interview. Begin at the top of your question list and, as you get a phone feel for the person, either complete the list or gracefully terminate the conversation. If uncertain, by all means get a personal interview. Don't let a good person get away. Phone interviews, while time saving and helpful, can be misleading. Beware the person reluctant to provide references. The right caregiver expects to be asked for references.

Your first impressions. First by phone, then face-to-face, impress upon the prospective caregiver how you value substitute care and the importance of her nurturing your baby the way you want your baby mothered. But don't get too specific, since you want to find out her own nurturing values before you reveal yours, lest she simply parrot what you want to hear. Besides the usual name, age, address, phone number, and so on, try these probing questions.

* What will you do when by baby cries? How will you comfort him? In your experience what comforting techniques work best for you? What do you feel about spoiling? (In these openers, try to get the person to talk about baby care -- while you listen and see if you match mind-sets. Is she basically a nurturing, sensitive, and responsive person?)

* What would you like to know about my baby? (Get a feel for her flexibility. If you have a high-need baby, can she match her giving with baby's needs? You may need to offer more pay for this kind of baby care.)

* How do you feel about holding a baby a lot?

* What do you feel a baby this age needs most? (As you are getting a feel for her nurturing abilities and her flexibility, you're also getting a sense of whether you can work with this person and trust your baby with this person. Also watch how she interacts with your baby during the interview. Is it forced or natural? And how does your baby interact with her?)

Now it's time to get down to the specifics:

* Why do you want to look after babies?

* Tell me about your last job. Why did you leave it?

* How will you play with my baby during the day?

* How will you handle feeding my baby? (If you are breastfeeding, does she understand the importance of offering your pumped breast milk?

* How will you put my baby to sleep?

* If my baby throws a tantrum, how will you handle it? How will you discipline him if he seems defiant?

* What are the most common accidents that you feel he is likely to have? What precautions will you take? Have you taken a CPR course? (If yes, ask to see the certificate. If no, would she be willing to take a course on her own time?"

* What would you do if my baby was choking on a toy? (As this to test her knowledge.)

* What factors may interfere with your being on time? Do you travel a long distance By care or by public transportation? (Was she on time for your appointment? -- a question to ask her references also.)

* Do you drive? (Ask this only if driving is a requirement for your caregiver.)

* Tell me about your previous child-care experience.

* Do you have children of your own? What are their ages? (Determine if the care of her own children may compromise her availability for the care of yours. If she has school-age children, what alternate care does she have if her children are sick? If she has a baby or preschool child and wants to bring her child along, discuss this option. Meet mother and child together to see how they inter-relate and get a feel for the temperament of her child. Do you want your child also to spend the day with this child? Realize that there will always be3 a "her child -- my child" compromise, and if her child is going through a high-need state at the same time as yours, guess who will get the attention.)

* How long do you plan to do child care? (Consistency is important for your child to build up an attachment.)

* Are you willing to do some housework? (Ideally have the caregiver do some household chores while baby is sleeping, which give you more time with baby after work. But a person who will keep both your baby nurtured and your house immaculate is a rare find.)

How is your health? What is your physician's name, and could I check on the date of you last examination? Are you a smoker? (Smoking and babies don't mix.) Do you drink? How much and how often? Do you use other drugs? (While you are unlikely to hear a yes answer, get a sense of her level of comfort or agitation at answering the question.)

Ask yourself if she is a physical match for your baby. While frail grandmothers, so soft and patient, may wonderfully rock a three-month-old al day, they may not have the stamina to keep up with a busy toddler. During your interview get a feel for this person's mannerisms, and consider your feeling for the overall person. Is she kind, patient, flexible, nurturing, with an overall presence and mannerisms that are contagious in a healthy way? Basically, is he a person you want your baby to form an attachment to?

If with the first interview you don't succeed, keep trying, remembering the importance of making the right match. Be prepared, however, to make some compromises. You will quickly realize the person you want may not exist, and the demand for quality caregivers far exceeds the supply. Keep this in mind when you begin negotiating fees.

Giving Your Substitute a Trial

After you've made your choice, agree beforehand on a trial period of a few weeks to see if she, baby and you fit. Here's how to tell.

Use baby as a barometer. Expect an initial change in baby's behavior for two reasons. Not only is he getting used to different care, but you are too. Sometimes it's more the difference in mother (tired, preoccupied, stressed from work) that accounts for baby's behavior changes. But after a week or two baby should settle down into his previous behavior. If he becomes clingy, aggressive, angry, wakeful, or mopey and that spark has diminished, something is amiss. Either it's a baby-caregiver mismatch or you need to reassess the timing of your return to work.

Use the caregiver as a barometer. Is she enjoying your baby? Or do you come home to a frazzled, irritable, tense person who can't wait to relieve herself of this burden? That's a red flag (Accept some days' wear and tear as normal baby-tending effects.) If, on the other hand, she and baby show signs of a match, you can sleep better.

Look for good-care signs. Besides baby's emotional state, is there evidence of good maintenance? For example, are diapers changed often enough? Does baby's bottom have a rash and odor not present pre-sitter? In all fairness it could be coincidental to teething, change of diet, or diarrhea.

Make spot checks. Periodically arrive unannounced early or on a lunch break. If you have a high-need baby who needs a lot of holding, how much has he been left to cry it out? Short of a hidden video camera or audio recording, spot checks tell you a lot. Without your having to be either paranoid or lax, in time a caregiver will earn your trust, making such regular surveillance less necessary. But some continued monitoring reinforces the fact that you expect her to take her job conscientiously.

Ask for neighbors' and friends' observations. Tell your friends and neighbors about your situation and ask them to kindly report any concerns. If your sub takes baby to the park for group play, ask the other mothers to comment.

Introducing Your Sub

It's not fair to caregiver or baby to throw the two together without a proper introduction. Before the day of departure, have the caregiver spend some time with you and your baby. This gradual acquaintance serves several purposes: It helps baby get acquainted with her, it helps her get acquainted with baby, and it allows you to model for your sub how you want your baby cared for. Especially if baby is in the stranger-anxiety stage, a gradual warm-up is best. Remember to put on your friendly face when greeting this new friend. If she's OK to you, she's OK to baby. This is also a good time to see your sub in action. You can always change your decision. If the initial impressions are good, ease the caregiver into baby care as you ease into your work.

It's best not to start right off with eight-hour days and forty-hour weeks. Begin leaving baby for short intervals, ideally between feedings, and gradually lengthen the time away. Begin back to work on a Wednesday or Thursday to ease the separation.

The Commercial Day-Care Option

Although group day care is not recommended for infants, there are times when this really is the only reasonable alternative for working parents. Here are some ways to make the best of this situation.

Selecting a Day-Care Center

Child-care providers deserve the respect and compensation given to teachers. They are more than pigtail and bubble-gum babysitters. These persons are substitute parents. Learn what quality day care should be and seek it out, rather than settling for mediocrity. Your child will benefit. Here are some tips to help you in making the selection.

* Check out the center, or preferably several of them, spending some time watching the caregivers and children relate. Find out which person will be primarily looking after your baby. Watch how she relates to the children in her charge. How does she discipline them? When they cry, how does she comfort them? Is she sensitive? Does she give the children eye-to-eye contact? Does she touch and hold them? Does she engage in lively conversation? Does she appear to enjoy handling babies? Is she able to adapt to the ever-changing moods of some toddlers? Does she have a sense of humor? Also, above all, watch how the children relate to the caregivers. By observing staff and children interacting, you will get a feel if there is a genuine connection there.

* Ask about the ratio of caregivers to children. The rule of thumb we mentioned earlier for home day care (one one-year-old child, two two-year olds, and so on) would be un-affordable in commercial day care. The maximum should be no more than four children for one caregiver.

* Examine the licensing to be sure that it is current.

* Inquire about the credentials of the staff.

* Ask what the philosophy of the center is. Use leading questions, like "What will you do when my baby is crying? What do you feel about spoiling?

* Browse around the facilities. Are they clean? Is the equipment safe? Are the toys age appropriate?

* Are the children generally happy? Does the staff appear caring, connected, and attentive, or more distant and detached from the kids?

* Ask about the sick-child policy, whom they admit, whom they don't. Watch their sanitation procedures, do they was hands after changing diapers, maintain separate diapering and food-serving areas, sanitize the toys when necessary, and discourage sharing of bottles, pacifiers, and other personal items?

* Is all the staff trained in CPR? As to see their certificates. Do they have a policy for handling disasters and emergencies such as fires?

* Visit the center at a time when other parents are dropping off or picking up their children. As for references.

* Finally, is this a place you enjoy being?

Don't feel you are imposing on the day-care center by asking probing questions. The industry to which we are entrusting the future of our country should have high standards and be willing to demonstrate them. If the only available day-care center fails the test questions, seriously consider getting welfare assistance so you can stay with your baby until appropriate care can be located.

There will be more articles on infants, breast or bottle feeding and other related topics to follow. So please keep an eye out for more of my articles.