Nosebags in the corner and tears in our eyes

“What have you given me!” she recoiled. I sat there in the passenger seat, suddenly feeling ill at ease as sweetheart swerved to avoid the taste in her mouth. How quickly my attempt at romance had resulted in embarrassment. It was all quite scary really. All I’d given her was an Opal Fruit. One of the purple ones. I chewed smugly on my strawberry one, much milder, safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t encounter citric anguish.

To redress the balance I tried one of the purple ones next. Heck! She had a point. Made to make our eyes water, obviously. I don’t remember sweets being this intense.

I haven’t really thought about sweets since my childhood. I don’t have a sweet tooth, so why should I? It’s only since I’ve had step-kids, for about a year now, that things such as Opal Fruits now find themselves secreted in the glove box.

Starburst, as we all know were called Opal Fruits. I wasn’t really allowed sweets as a kid … only the other day I was going on about how I didn’t have Frosties for breakfast but I vividly remember growing up eating Country Store in the mornings. Anyone remember Country Store? As insipid to a child as Alpen but without any of the forgiving flavours. At least Alpen offered hope. Back then, a raisin was hallowed.

Anyhow, I digress; Opal Fruits. The first time I had an Opal Fruit was at some friend’s birthday party. I was around six at the time and these sweets were being handed out on a plate and because they were new to me, I didn’t realise the wrapper was still on. Funny sweet, I thought … intricate design yet curiously papery in texture. Oh, happy, embarrassing days.

Apart from that instance with the Opal Fruit, and the staple diet of Country Store, an annual visit to the local Wimpy was akin to a religious experience.

All this talk of food is for a reason, I assure you. As many of you will know, Kraft were recently in the news due to their having decided to have a rethink about their foodstuffs.

The company have decided that they are going to start trying to make their food “less unhealthy.” I like that bit. “Less unhealthy”, a bumbling statement from a food giant, a clumsy attempt to not really say anything but say something a bit positive-ish … if they must. Made me smile. (“Daren’t say ‘more healthy’, Mr. President, we just can’t …they’ll be onto us like a rash.”)

This turnaround has come about due to the fact that people suffering from obesity and its associated illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease, strokes and cancer are beginning to sue food companies for their weight problems.

Macdonald’s have already come under fire from collective obesity saying they made it fat and as such the company have begun offering fruit and a new range of salads. Will it catch on?

Personally, if you wanted a salad, you wouldn’t be going to Macdonald’s. Silly idea in my opinion and really, I’m sure it would just be rain forest we would be eating anyhow. Still, a wonderful marketing exercise just sprung to mind. Rather than the company just chop down the forests to make way for grazing areas, Macdonald’s customers could eat it. All that added roughage, you see. Two birds (of the endangered variety) just flew across my subconscious …

Obesity: I certainly don’t remember seeing so many overweight people around when I was younger and I’m still only in my early 30s. Scientific research has proved that, globally, the number of people suffering from obesity has risen by 50% in the last seven years. You just have to question modern food and modern lifestyles. I rode my bike when I was younger. My step-son just kills people. This would of course keep him lithe because he’d be constantly on the run, but the people he kills are just computer animated.

He does however have one lovely advantage over many kids his age – his mum’s dominant genes. She’s as svelte as they come and so are her kids. Him and his sister have something else going for them. A step-father brought up on Country Store. If I were to notice a weight change in the kids, you’ll know why they suddenly begin to dread breakfast. As for the parents in our house, we’ll just stick to the Starburst. That way, our appetites will never be overly “vast”.

We’ll be the ones with a nosebag in the corner full of purple sweets and tears in our eyes.