Megan possessed a hundred percent of Oliver when they fought - every cell in his body belonged only to her. Better than any orgasm ever. Oliver got high on fighting to be let of the cage he put himself in. He needed to wrest the keys away from Megan to own his individuality. He wants permission, she wants a skin she can hide inside. Conflict provided both in the sexiest way possible. They need to re-configure the spiral they are in. Find out how they can do that and still feel good.
Oliver’s guilty voice squeaked “I’m going out for a drink with my friends, okay?” Megan pounced on him like a cat determined not to let the mouse escape. “You only just got home, why do you have to go out again?” his wife challenged. Oliver’s pulse catapulted into overdrive, his face throbbed and twitched with outrage and all the blood inside him seemed to gather at his throat. He blasted Megan with the fury stoked in the furnace of his fragile self-identity.
The smoldering embers lit Megan‘s fire of entitlement. “I’ve been alone all day. I need you to be with me. I got pizza and a movie for us.” Megan demanded as she tightened the noose of guilt around his burning neck. Oliver’s hands and legs shook as he choked and sputtered to avoid being strangled. A high pitch desperate sound of indignation came out of his mouth as he struggled to regain power. “ I work hard, bring home the money, clean the house when you are too tired, go shopping with you, entertain your boring family, and you won’t let me have one night with my mates!”
Megan’s heart rate accelerated from a trot to a clamoring gallop as the tag of selfishness and ungratefulness wound themselves around her. She attacked them with blades sharpened with accusations kept for just such a moment. “ You played baseball when I was really sick last year, you never have a good word to say to my mother when she visits, you never take me out with your friends, you told me that you hated me for taking away your freedom. That’s what this is about. You don’t want to be with me.”
Altercations like these dotted their lives like a skin rash in response to poison ivy. Oliver wanted his wife’s blessings to include others in his life. Without her permission he didn’t feel comfortable taking steps to get his social needs met. He couldn’t take the risk of losing her if he dared to create a broader healthier life. Her stamp of approval made his desire acceptable. He put himself in a cage, gave Megan the key, and exploded when she wouldn’t let him out. Oliver had to fight for his right to be a whole person. He had to wrest it from Megan in order to feel worthy of exercising his individuality. The fight provided the arena for Oliver to show his feathers and strut his stuff. That was his high.
Megan dangled the keys of the cage, teasing and taunting, thrilled with the power she was handed on a plate. Being given the reins was exhilarating, but momentarily. What really turned her on was the experience of having a hundred percent of Oliver in those fighting moments. Every single breath, each pore on his skin, all the corpuscles in his blood stream, the army of mitochondria creating energy in each of his cells belonged to Megan, and only to Megan. No orgasm or feeding of an addiction could compete with that kind of ‘high.’
Both Oliver and Megan get a buzz from engaging with each other through conflict. No matter how uncomfortable they may feel during their fights, their cravings for the pay offs get stronger.
Payoffs for Megan
Ÿ She owns a hundred percent of him during the fight.
Ÿ All of Oliver’s attention is focused on her. His body literally stops it’s normal functioning and all his energy is directed her way.
Ÿ She feels superior when he loses control
Ÿ She feels powerful because she is now controlling him emotionally, physically and psychologically.
Ÿ She can feel merged with him. No fear of separation, no fear of jealousy, no terror of being invisible with Oliver’s skin to crawl under.
Pay offs for Oliver
Ÿ Permission to fight authority that he vested in Megan is an acceptable way of exerting his prowess.
Ÿ There is less guilt in fighting than in taking charge of his life and giving himself permission to do what is beneficial for him.
Ÿ Viewing Megan as the mean authority figure means he can be the good guy.
Ÿ Fighting means doing something WITH Megan. There is no guilt at doing something away from her, or with others.
Ÿ He can feel justified in his role as a victim of being caged up and ‘losing it’ when he explodes.
Reconfiguring The Conflict Spiral
Ÿ Oliver needs to consider why the only way for him to keep Megan is to lock himself in a cage and give her the keys. Why is self-sacrifice the way to Megan’s heart?
Ÿ Megan needs to lay down the cells for her own skin. That will help her to absorb nurturing from Oliver without wanting to swallow him whole in order to get it.
Ÿ Oliver and Megan would benefit from sharing their deep fears in words, one bite at a time.
Ÿ Megan and Oliver could create ‘you,’ ‘me,’ and ‘our’ time and space. Drawing it or using modeling apparatus to construct these spaces would be very tangible ways of expressing their needs and making adjustments as the comfort levels changed.
Ÿ Oliver and Megan could tell each other about their dreams. Their true selves are expressed in dream images. Sharing dreams in an intimate but non-intrusive way of partnering while still retaining individuality.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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