Victimhood Was My Life

Sometimes you're on top of the world. Other times you're in the gutter. You're always the same person. Why the ups and downs? Why do the 'peak' moments never seem to last as long as the 'gutter' moments?

It's all in how you function. For most of my life, I functioned as a victim. Why?

1. I used it to connect with other people.

"Did I tell you what happened to me?"

Basically, it was a way to belong. To get love. To connect. You know the saying: "Selling is a transference of feeling"? Well, that's how I used victimhood. I wanted YOU to know how I'M feeling. I wanted to transfer *my* feelings to *you*!

2. I used it to avoid responsibility.

Choices and decisions; taking a stand; being in charge: it all seems so scary.

"I don't want to be responsible!"

Better to let circumstances tell me what to do. Can't make a mistake if I don't do anything!

"After all, I'm a victim. I can't be responsible for what happens in my life."

3. It became my identity. A way of life. A state of being. A state of existence. And I grew to like it.

"I don't know who I'd be if I weren't a victim."

It was familiar. It gave me comfort. Because I didn't see the damage it was doing. I didn't know it shut out the love I was so desperately seeking.

See, I wasn't trying to destroy the world by being a victim. But if I can get you to feel sorry for me... If I can just get you to take care of me...

Is that a crime?

I took the main coping skill of a child and used it as a grown-up in a grown-up world. Being a victim is kind of like sucking your thumb. There's no law against it, but still it doesn't look very nice.

I thought it was the best, the safest, the smartest option for living life. I was highly motivated to be a victim. It was the 'default' selection:

"When in doubt, function as a victim."

A 'function' is like a soda machine. You put something in - and it always gives you something back out. You put in your money and you get out a diet soda. That's a function.

A function works like this:

INPUT ---> FUNCTION -@@END_COMMENT OUTPUT

My input: the events that happened in my life.

My function: how I interpreted those events.

My output: how I would think and feel and act.

So if I function as a victim, I will take any event - good or bad - and make it into something that supports my victimhood.

Some people experience horribly painful events in their lives, and turn them into something inspiring and uplifting. Lemons into lemonade. An outside observer might see them as a victim; but they don't see themselves that way. Or if they do feel like a victim, it doesn't last.

Everybody will experience tragedy at one time or another. But not everybody will function as a victim.

What about you?

Traps Of Victimhood

1. People who function as a victim end up creating a victim reality. The world really does conform to their wishes! The more you feel like a victim, the more you become a victim. You have a tendency to keep sinking deeper and deeper.

2. Just as people tend to avoid victims, if you're a victim you'll tend to avoid *yourself*. You'll tend to avoid your 'realness'. Through pity, judgments, blame, righteousness, etc.

It separates you from yourself. Separation leads to pain. Thus, victimhood becomes a pain factory.

Victimhood is a trap. Most will never escape. Because there's nothing to grab hold of. It's like being in a mud pit. Or a swamp.

The problem is, victimhood sucks you in and it holds on tight. You start believing the lie: "You really are a victim, and you'll always be a victim. There's nothing you can do."

You become a victim to your own victimhood.

The Way Out

You've got to first discover your current motivation for functioning as a victim. Why is it so alluring? Why is it okay? Why does it seem to be the best option? What are you secretly getting out of victimhood? What do you not want to admit about it?

Tell yourself the truth. No one else needs to hear. (They probably already know, anyway!)

Then, you've got to find a stronger motivation to be the opposite. What's the opposite of a victim?

A fully-functioning human being. You can put various labels on it: winner, leader, etc. But you need to find the label that makes the most sense to you.

I found my label. It suits me well. More importantly, it motivated me strongly; more than anything else would. It helped me create new neurological pathways in my brain.

But it might not be the right one for you.

The trick is to have an image - a vision - of something that represents the exact opposite of a victim. And to make it more alluring, more attractive, than the victim.

You need to find *your* image. Your label. Your vision. What gets you excited? More than anything else? What puts a smile on your face when you think about it?

Find your own unique image, and hold on to it for dear life! Make it real. Place it in your heart. Feed it so it grows stronger. Spend time daydreaming about it. The more attention you give to the image you WANT, the less attention you'll be giving to the image you DON'T want.

It sure beats the heck out of sucking your thumb!