It’s been said that our brains are our biggest erogenous zones, yet for many the mind is a fickle mistress. Some men become fixated on sexual pe...
It’s been said that our brains are our biggest erogenous zones,
yet for many the mind is a fickle mistress. Some men become fixated on sexual performance and whether they’re pleasing their partner. They lose the opportunity to enjoy the surrender brought by truly phenomenal sex. Many sexual problems are emotional or spiritual in nature. As such, they are actually powerful opportunities for men to come into a deeper and more pleasurable connection with their sexuality as well as a means to develop a greater capacity for intimacy in their relationships. This is intended as an overview, with some brief inquires to get you started thinking about how you might begin to explore these topics.
Many men are plagued by an already disconnected relationship to their bodies and find that after sitting at a desk for 40+ hours a week they are unable to feel their senses as strongly as they used to.
This article is an introduction to a coaching-based relationship to your sexuality, and explores ways you can self-coach into having a more joyous, expressive and confident sex life. Explore this article not from the perspective that you have a problem and need to fix it, but instead, explore it in wonderment about what it would mean to you to fully experience and enjoy your sexuality. Even if you don’t experience any of the symptoms mentioned here, the positive inquiries in these articles will provide positive avenues for new growth.
I want to start by saying that I am not a doctor, and there are sexual concerns that have a foundation in physical health that are better addressed by a physician. I am a life coach and have over 12 years experience as a massage therapist, helping people work to strengthen their mind-body relationships, so I am writing from that perspective. Many of the heterosexual men I have coached have said they don’t talk about intimacy issues with other men and that it’s hard for them to talk about it with their wives or girlfriends. As a life-coach, my relationship with people is based on trust and confidentiality, and I am holding space for the client to live their best possible life – and that includes all of their life. So as a trusted confidante, I offer a unique opportunity for men to talk about this very personal and vulnerable topic.
Most of the literature discusses sexuality along three of the primary sexual issues men face: premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and loss of sexual desire. Yet, with each issue, there are underlying emotional, spiritual and bio-energetic patterns that can induce these symptoms. I believe it is useful to organize inquiries into these topics along the patterns rather than the symptoms.
Three primary patterns are: Capacity for emotional intimacy and connection to one’s partner(s), having a healthy relationship to one’s own body, and having sexual beliefs that are supportive of an expressed and alive sexuality. This series of articles will explore these areas in more detail and will offer inquires and suggestions to get you started rebalancing and strengthening your sexuality.
Intimacy Patterns
What does it mean to have a fully alive emotional relationship to one’s sexual energy? Modern Tantra describes an energetic and emotional connection between the pelvis and the heart and other upper chakras. While many people don’t sense the actual energy flow, it is experienced as the capacity to connect emotionally and spiritually with one’s partner. Many people experience it is as the ability to lose control over their minds and bodies in moments of pure surrender while also being fully present with their partner. In this state, a person is able to be fully alive in the act of lovemaking, connected to one’s partner emotionally and sensually, while also being fully aware of the experience of pleasure and physical joy in one’s own body. David Schnarch in his book “Passionate Marriage” calls this the eyes-open orgasm.
When one reads the above description, it sounds wonderful – why wouldn’t people be in this state all of the time? In part, it is because intimacy is a double-edged sword. To be fully alive to the highs such as mind-blowing orgasm, one also has to be willing to be fully present in the lows. Intimacy is the ability to be completely one’s self and to share oneself with one’s partner – to not hold back the truth of one’s experiences both the joyous and the challenging.
Many men aren’t often taught to acknowledge the connection between their emotions and their pelvis. They feel that sexual performance is supposed to be purely physical, that they’re supposed to stand to attention whenever they receive physical stimulation. But actually, there is an extremely powerful link between the body and the emotions. If you don’t feel like being emotionally intimate with your partner, chances are that your sexual desire will wane. This facet reinforces the role of the brain in your sexual satisfaction.
Emotional intimacy starts with the mind as it is the willingness and desire to be present, share and even be vulnerable with your partner. The image of being naked extends beyond the physical – it is equally true for being exposed emotionally. In the same way that you want to touch your partner with your hands, your desire and capacity for emotional intimacy can be seen as the desire to connect your sensations of joy, laughter, and even sorrow at certain times. This reaching out to your partner extends in many ways and the heart/pelvic combination is an extremely powerful one, if open.
When emotional patterns are interfering with sexual expression, one can experience a variety of symptoms. There can be a loss of desire, a desire for a different partner, inability to achieve an erection or to maintain it, or premature ejaculation. Sex can feel more like a task, more stressful than fun. A man could be preoccupied with his ability to please his partner, whether he is “enough” or he could feel so pressured that he tunes out completely.
If you sense this is holding you back and if you are not fully present with your partner, here are some questions you can explore to get you started understanding this more fully. And remember… many men forget that taking the risk of being vulnerable is actually a strength. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your anxieties and to be willing to share them with your partner. Yet this can be the first step in moving beyond them.
Inquiries: What happens when you don’t feel completely safe being truly intimate with your partner? Where do your thoughts and attention go? Do you sense that your discomfort arises from this particular relationship or something from your past? What are your physical responses to anxiety? Do you notice tension anywhere in your body? What feelings emerge when you make eye contact with your partner during sex?
These questions get you started gathering information about yourself and what makes you hold back. As you come to appreciate these thoughts, you can shift to the next realm of inquiry in order to bring yourself forward. Ask yourself:
What allows you to feel safe with another person? What does connection to another person feel like for you? Where is your awareness when you’re experiencing truly spectacular sex? What were the three best intimate (sexual or otherwise) experiences of your life, and what specifically made them so wonderful? What is important about intimacy for you? What do you need to ask of your partner? What does it feel like to be present with your partner and fully present in your own body at the same time?
Your perfect “10”
One exercise you can do to discover your sexual values is to imagine your absolute ideal sexual encounter. Describe everything about it. The place you’re in, the time of day, what you and your partner are (or are not) wearing, how you are touching each other, the energy that is present between you. Go into as much imaginative detail as possible, and remember that this is your absolute ideal. When you are finished imagining this encounter, write down everything. Then pull all of the descriptors out and make a list of them. Which 10 are the most important to you? What will you commit do doing that will bring all 10 of these to the next time you make love with your partner?
Ultimately this area of exploration can lead you into a deeper intimate relationship with your partner as well as increase your capacity to enjoy your own body. The focus is on acknowledging and managing potential anxieties and unlocking your sense of trust and emotions.
