As Americans, we have varied perspectives on sex. For some, the Judeo-Christian/ Puritan legacy views sex as unholy and carefully prescribes nar...
As Americans,
we have varied perspectives on sex. For some, the Judeo-Christian/ Puritan legacy views sex as unholy and carefully prescribes narrow parameters for acceptable sexual expression. Other people threw off their clothes during the sexual revolution with reckless abandon. (Is there anyone among us who hasn’t hummed a few bars of “Love the one you’re with”?)
When one is told by their religion or by society how they’re supposed to behave sexually, it’s like being kept in an infantile relationship to sex. Alternatively, when one embraces the revolution it’s like being a teenager: one wants it all and sometimes doesn’t pay attention to the consequences.
As a culture we’re coming in to greater balance, and people are coming in to a mature relationship with their sexuality. The fact of the matter is each of us has the opportunity to define our own relationship to our sexuality.
Sexuality is an important and serious topic. We create life through sexuality – that’s huge. Can you tell me any other way we come as close to being divine as in our ability to create life? Sexuality is a force to be respected.
Sexuality is also a way to celebrate life – our spirits and our being, and to connect deeply to one’s own self and one’s partner(s).
Yet sex isn’t an activity that someone else should tell you how to experience. Part of being grown up in one’s relationship to sex is to learn and embrace one’s own values and moral compass relating to sex.
Many people, especially those over 40, had upbringings that didn’t teach them how to relate to or approach sex on a personal fulfillment level. It wasn’t discussed. Sex was frowned upon, or described primarily in a biological manner. It was assumed that when you met the right person and got married, you’d instinctively know how to be a wonderful lover.
For many, this kind of upbringing resulted in a spectrum of feeling shut down - ranging from deep feelings of shame about sexuality to just being bashful talking about sex or trying anything new in the bedroom.
Or one could identify with the opposite side of the same coin and be fascinated by sex that some might call dirty. People having difficulty with this might not be able to feel turned on or to experience orgasm without pornography or fantasy. Men might experience the classic Madonna/whore division toward women, rather than being able to connect with the entire complement of feminine sexual expression. Women can share this complexity too.
If you sense this is the case for you, it might be time to research other cultural perspectives of relating to sexuality that could expand your perceptions. It’s possible that some of the ways you’re relating to sex aren’t allowing you to experience its full magnitude.
Not that dirty sex is bad or wrong… it’s really about having the fullest sexual expression and experiences that relate to your values and feel authentic to you. It’s about not being dependent on sexual crutches or prescriptions, or the expectations of others.
To get more in touch with your sexual values, think about the three best sexual experiences of your life. And ask yourself the following questions:
What was I doing/how was I being/how was I feeling that made this experience so wonderful?
What was my partner doing/how was he or she being and feeling that made this experience so wonderful?
What was the emotional tone?
What was the physical tone?
How did your sense of intimacy heighten your experience?
What else was important about this experience?
When you ask yourself these questions you’ll gain insight in to your sexual values - what feels alive and rewarding for you about sex.
Looking forward, what are the ways you want to learn to express your values more fully? Is there a sexual activity you wish to explore? What are the values that desire reinforces?
To better integrate your sexual beliefs, you may want to explore voice dialogue work that accesses, integrates and heals your different inner urges. This work can be done in a coaching context.
You may also want to explore sacred paradigms for sexuality, such as the work of Ipsalu Tantra, the sexual healing work introduced by Tom Kenyon or the psychologically oriented work of David Schnarch.
Another great body of work is the Pelvic-Heart Integration work of Jack Painter. He addresses how early childhood beliefs subconsciously picked up from the parents emerge in moments of sexual surrender or loss of control and uses breath and energy work, dialogue and massage to release limiting beliefs and replace them with a more holistic mindset.
As living beings, your sexuality is a gift. Acknowledging your sexuality, respecting your partners and crafting your unique path to fulfillment is honoring the gift you have been given.
