Hello Lover Goodbye Friend

Most of us are lucky enough to have a close friend who knows how to assure us our bum doesn't look big and who understands our embarrassing and undiminished love for James Blunt.

For some of us, that best friend just happens to be a guy. And, if he's single and heterosexual, it's possible at some point while watching Survivor or downing a flaming Sambuca you've even thought, 'Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to kiss him?' Or perhaps you've harbored serious love fantasies about him for ages and just haven't broached the subject. Crossing the divide from being friends to lovers can be fraught with misunderstandings, unrealistic expectations and heartache, say relationship experts. But it could also be the start of something fabulous.

Is it a Good Idea?

‘Getting involved with someone you already depend on and are emotionally attached to is risky,’ says Cindy, a 24-year-old dance instructor who made the leap with a friend, Paul, a law student she'd known for six months. 'I didn't want to spoil what we
had,' she says. 'But I also knew I wanted more than just his friendship. It was a mutual decision.'

Psychologists believe that having someone who knows your faults and foibles before seeing you naked makes the relationship more likely to succeed. Researchers have found that couples who are best friends first have more happiness and satisfaction in their lives. Best friends work through conflicts and don't give up on each other.

An intimate relationship that starts as a friendship rules out the roller-coaster ride and subsequent disappointment that is an inevitable part of a relationship that starts with
falling in love. You’re far more likely to have an authentic, warts-and-all relationship.

Although Cindy and Paul's romance ended when he moved to the UK, they are still in touch. 'We've fallen back into the friendship,' says Cindy. 'We've started asking each other's advice about other people in our lives and although I sometimes feel a bit jealous, I know the love we shared was real and valuable. I don't regret it at all.' Although Cindy's experience was positive, experts caution you to consider a number of issues before propositioning your male mate. For starters, ask yourself whether it's true attraction or simply a moment of loneliness or lust.

'I regret having sex on my kitchen table with my then best friend,' says Mishka, a 33-year-old writer. 'If I'd been more circumspect, I would've realized I was dejected after losing a lucrative contract and looking for an ego boost. I jeopardized a meaningful friendship.'

If you can honestly say your wicked thoughts of licking whipped cream off his tattoo aren't the result of too many vodka martinis or too many nights at home alone with Mr Sex Toy, ask yourself why you're only considering your friend as a potential love interest now. If it's because circumstances have changed (for example he's newly single or finished his master's thesis, which distracted him), chances are you are dealing with true feelings that can now be addressed. If, however, you've had ample time to get things together in the past and haven't, perhaps your motives aren't good.

Kate, a 34-year-old lab technician, admits she's been tempted to make a move out of sheer curiosity, but has had enough sense not to. 'One of my closest friends has everything I'm looking for in a partner but I'm just not physically attracted to him,' she says. 'It's weird. We shop and eat out together. We even spend Big Nights In like a married couple. But if we were to start shagging I know it would be a disaster. The chemistry just isn't there for me.'

Most importantly, consider what you might lose if your revelation doesn't have the desired effect on him. If he doesn't share your feelings, it's likely your friendship will change in some way.

The Conversation

If you've weighed up the pros and cons and are still convinced he's The One, it's time to make your feelings known. Considering there's a friendship in place, chances are there's already some flirting happening. Keep things light but being clear about the outcome you would like. Chat about the things you have in common and the reasons you share so much time together.

It may be best to start off with a huge degree of subtlety. Gently find out where he stands on the issue of friendships developing into relationships. Opportunities often present themselves in the form of experiences of mutual friends, or through examples in movies, books or magazines. Removing yourself from the discussion will give you the opportunity to pick up clues from how he views other people in similar situations. It's also a good idea to discuss this important topic when sober.

The first few shots of alcohol boost high levels of the feel-good brain chemical serotonin. Under its influence you are more likely to exaggerate your ‘love’ for him. A gushing onslaught may turn him off, even if he really likes you.

The Move

Mia, a 32-year-old clothing manufacturer, wishes she'd considered this advice. 'I really worked myself up into a lather about whether I should make my feelings for Ryan known,' she says. 'When I first met him I wasn't all that interested because I'd just ended a destructive relationship and needed time to heal.' As the months passed, Ryan's unusual looks and offbeat sense of humor really started to appeal. 'Everyone commented on how much time we spent together,' she recalls. 'I was ready for action'. Frustrated that her friend wasn't making the first move, and convinced the growing attraction was mutual, Mia planned a grand seduction scene. 'I lit candles, did the whole dressed-to-kill thing and even had a Hollywood wax for the event,' she recalls. 'It was a complete disaster. After two bottles of wine I ended up sitting on top of him on my bed, pleading with him to kiss me.' She can laugh about it now, but she's painfully aware the easy camaraderie is gone. 'We didn't see each other for a few weeks after that,' Mia recalls. 'And when we did, we were both far too embarrassed to discuss it. All he said was ‘I'm sorry I was so unplayable’ and mumbled something about a past mistake.'

Janine, a 25-year-old accounts manager, had an entirely different experience. 'Brian, 26, and I became close quickly. We'd spend most weekends partying together and hours on the phone during the week,' she says. 'When we landed up sleeping together it was strange. Lovely but strange. We promised each other we'd keep our eyes closed because it was just weird having sex with your best buddy.'

While it might be nice to think you'll feel charges of electricity when you finally kiss for the first time, chances are familiarity can work against you, as it did for Janine. But there's no need to give up completely if you don't feel hot mercury pulsing through your veins at his first touch. Acknowledge the uneasiness and try to make a light joke of it. Alternatively, promise each other you'll go really slowly until you're both used to this new way of interacting.

You might find that your friend is not interested in sleeping with you, eyes closed or not. This isn't an easy pill to swallow. You may need to cry him out of your system but for this you'll need the next best shoulder to cry on - not his. Respect his decision. Placing your life on hold because you don't know his feelings can be just as damaging. At least this way you’ve taken the plunge and have been honest with yourself – and him.

Giving it a Try

While getting naked together doesn't necessarily mean you're an official item, chances are your romantic hopes will be high at this point. It's important to communicate your expectations - and have a handle on his too. Try something such as: 'I'm attracted to you and I'm happy you want to give this a chance but I want to make sure we're on the same page so no-one's feelings get hurt.'

When Jamie and I got together it was more of an experiment than anything else,' says Annette a 25-year-old student. 'We partied together for a couple of months before he suggested we ‘give this whole dating thing a chance seeing that we get on so well anyway’. After a few weeks, I realized the flirtation and the chase had been better than the end result.' Deciding they were better friends than lovers, Annette spoke to Jamie. Turns out we were both on the same page and went back to being party friends without any difficulty,' she says.