What if I'm Shy?

Before we get into specifics, I want to say something. Being shy isn't something to be embarrassed about. We're all shy in certain situations, some of us just cover it up better, that's all. I walked into a meeting two days ago with my tummy doing more backflips than an Olympic gymnast. I felt incredibly nervous and shy - but I didn't look it. And that's what this is all about: teaching you how to cover up shyness and getting you through the bit when the butterflies feel more like a colony of bats doing the can-can. It's the initial part that's the hardest - just about all of us eventually calm down and feel OK given a little time - so that's what we'll concentrate on here.

Why are some people shy and others not? It's usually got a lot to do with our upbringing. Confident parents breed confident kids simply because they expose their children to more people. If your home is overflowing with neighbors, friends, and family, you quickly learn the basic social skills of how to interact with strangers and make and keep friends without even trying. If you haven't had practice in the skills needed to turn an acquaintance into a friend, it's no wonder meeting strangers is daunting.

The solution to beating shyness is to mount a two-fold campaign: work on raising low self-esteem (which tends to go hand in hand with shyness) and interact as much as possible with as many different people as possible. If you don't feel capable of doing this yourself, get help. There are lots of books, workshops, and counseling opportunities to help nudge you along a bit. While you're working on the inside, let me help by working on the outside and also giving you some practical advice on how to talk to strangers. Right.

Now, let's go on to the five instant fix-its.

The first fix-it is to breathe 1 know, you've heard this one before ‘Take a deep breath blah blah blah.’ Well, how about you do it? Because the first thing anyone does when they're feeling nervous or shy is to hold their breath. (The giveaway: taking very deep breaths occasionally, in an attempt to inject oxygen fast.) If you take a deep breath before speaking, it not only relaxes you, it gives you time to think. Another plus: it lowers the tone of your voice making you sound more authoritative.

Fix-it number two: Stand like a confident person: pull your tummy in, lift your chest to the ceiling, and square your shoulders by pulling them up to your ears, then back and down. Now, put your hands casually on your hips and make sure your body is directly facing the person you're talking to. This says ‘I'm giving you the best possible direct view of me because I'm happy with who I am and what I look like.’ (I know, inside you're cringing but this is all about externals, remember?) One final adjustment to the way you're standing: shift your weight so it's on one leg. A study of business executives showed 75 per cent of high achievers will assume this pose - hands on hips,

weight on one leg - within half an hour of you meeting them. Practice the pose in front of a mirror until it starts to look natural, then pay attention because fix-it three is the most important of the lot.

Fix-it number three: The single, most effective way to change people's perception of you as shy, is to meet their eye. Easier said than done? Try this exercise: instead of looking at the pavement or downwards, look straight ahead. That's already a step in the right direction.

From there, work up to glancing over to people's faces for a split second. Then, for a count of three, look at the tops of people's heads - you're not meeting their eyes, but looking vaguely at a point just above their forehead. The next step is to imagine their face is a circle and travel around it with your eyes. Then concentrate on their features - mouth first, nose next, then (finally) try focusing on their eyes. Depending on how shy you are, it might take anywhere from two days to a month of taking baby steps to walk through this  exercise and be able to look them in the eye, but persevere. There's another great trick for the really, really shy which means you don't ever have to make eye contact. Yes, really. When you're looking at someone, instead of making eye contact, make nose contact. Concentrate your gaze on the bridge of the person's nose instead of their eyes: very few people will notice the difference.

Once you're able to meet people's eyes, practice making eye contact with as many people as possible - three strangers a day minimum. That's your target. When you're up to three people a day and you've done that for three days running, it's time to deliberately focus on people you find attractive. Now aim to make eye contact with three people you find attractive three times a week, then three times a day. Remember, you don't have to talk to them just yet so it's not too stressful. Just make eye contact and if you can possibly manage it, accompany that with a smile. That's more than enough to get you started and well on your way to the next part of our program: chatting to strangers.

Fix-it number four: Make yourself look safe to talk to. I don't mean put down the machete and remove the hangman's mask, just look friendly, approachable, and happy in your skin. Make sure your body language is open. Uncross everything. Don't hunch your shoulders. Don't frown. Lift your head up. That's better. Now, get yourself into position...

Fix-it number five: If you don't naturally look confident, mimic those who do. By imitating their speech, style, and posture, you literally feel what it's like to walk through the world in their shoes, and you will appear more confident. This is a great way to unlock their body language secrets, helping you adopt new confidence or learn new ways of communicating with people. When you find a gesture you like, adopt it as your own. About the only things you shouldn't mirror are negative body-language gestures or particularly odd ones. If they decide to stick a finger in their nose, ear, (or elsewhere), they're on their own.