When Your Sexuality Intimidates Your Man

Many women in urban areas have been liberated sexually, but the more they are getting comfortable with their own sexuality, the more their marriages are suffering in the area of sexual relating. Repressed urges and coy responses in women are being replaced by total acceptance of one's sexual feelings and open and bold expression of the same. One would have thought that men, who, for the longest period of time, complained about not having an exciting enough sex life at home and therefore sought it outside, would have been thrilled with the wife being a bold and active sexual partner, but unfortunately that is not always the case.

Normal heterosexual men are getting increasingly uncomfortable with the sexually liberated woman. Many so-called metrosexual men, who talk of equality of men and women, and say that they welcome the active participation of women in sexual relating, make the statement conditionally. What they mean is that they enjoy the active participation of the woman as long as it does not make them(the men) move out of their comfort zones. Which means that when the woman experiences an urge and initiates sex, if the man is not feeling like it of his own accord, he wants the liberty and comfort of turning down the advances if he so chooses, without being questioned or cajoled into responding. The bottom line is, that he wants the remote control in his hand at all times, and if he does not have it, there can be problems in the marriage!

MR NICE GUY NEEDS COMFORT

This happens because of the upbringing and conditioning of such men because of which they have two contradictory needs - the need to be seen as Mr Nice Guy and the need to remain a spoilt brat at all times in their comfort zones. The 'Mr Nice Guy' says men and women have equal urges and equal rights to express the same, as his belief is that he 'must be viewed as a good guy'. The 'spoilt brat' says that sex should happen when he feels like it and the way he feels like it, as his belief is that he 'must be made comfortable at all times'.

Such men come across as 'considerate lovers' whenever they initiate sex, but if they decide that they do not feel like having sex with their partner for whatever reason, they can be the most 'insensitive partners', turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to the sexual urges of the partner, while they continue to be 'caring men' in terms of being supportive and helpful in other areas of life which helps them retain the title of 'Mr Nice Guy.' The 'blow hot blow cold' attitude of such men, can leave sexually liberated women not only unfulfilled, but also confused, concerned, hurt and angry. An angry woman would be intimidating; i.e. demand, confront, accuse, put down and threaten the man.

MEN NEED GROWING UP

Businessman Mark Taylor and Stacy, an interior designer had a love marriage and were sexually active pre-maritally. Extremely passionate, he would initiate and plan all the intimate encounters and expected Stacy to participate actively, though she was not relaxed with pre-marital sex. After marriage, Stacy dropped her inhibitions due to the social sanction in marriage and started initiating sex.

She was surprised to note Mark's lack of response on several occasions, and felt confused and hurt. On enquiry, he would say that he could physically respond only when he was in the mood and that he could not 'will' an erection. She resigned to this but later realised that he was simply unwilling to open himself up if he was not the initiator, only because of his need for comfort. He was his 'Mama's favoured boy' and happy in his comfort zones, but Stacy was unhappy and therefore sought counselling for them. Over a period of time, with counselling, he matured from 'Mama's favoured boy' to 'Stacy's adult partner'.

There are several reasons why a sexual relationship might not be fulfilling for the woman besides the normal heterosexual man's 'blow hot blow cold attitude'. The man may be hesitant and anxiety-prone due to performance anxiety or anxiety about whether he will be able to meet the woman's sexual appetite, he might fear hurting her especially if she has come across as a 'delicate darling' in previous intimate moments and accused him of hurting her, he might have an actual physical problem; i.e. erectile dysfunction, he might be withholding sex from her to punish her for some other transgression in the relationship, he might be depressed or severely stressed in work, financial or other areas of his life, etc.

INTIMIDATION IS SELF-DEFEATING

While the sexual relationship might not be fulfilling for the woman, the future health of the relationship in sexual areas and otherwise, depends a lot on the way the woman approaches the issue of sex with her partner.

Janet Griggs and husband Paul had a tumultuous relationship with loud fights and accusations hurled both ways. Janet would be extremely intimidating in her demeanour and put Paul down if there was no intimacy for a while due to some work stress or financial pressure in his life saying, 'What are you doing about sex? Are you a man or what?' Her intimidating style in this sensitive area of a man-woman relationship, put him off completely after some time, and he turned it around in vengeance and put her down by commenting that her body was unattractive and her personality was a put-off.

This created feelings of rejection in her, and things spiraled out of control for them. They finally legally divorced with him initiating the separation.

A man often reacts to an angry and intimidating demeanour by either ignoring the woman and remaining aloof, anxiously making excuses for his unresponsiveness in fatigue/stress, etc. accusing her of being a nymphomaniac or unlady-like, putting her down in other areas of the relationship and calling her a 'put off', commenting on her body parts which he finds unattractive, switching off sex completely, etc. Therefore, it goes without saying that anger and intimidation on the part of the woman is only self-defeating for her. In such cases, she needs to be asked to assume responsibility for the same, and to take action to change her demeanour from intimidation to one of nurturing the relationship.

DISTORTED THINKING - BAGGAGE OF THE PAST

Men respond to questions and expression of hurt feelings by women depending on their own inferences and perceptions of the expression, and their own anxiety-proneness, which is their own 'baggage from the past', and a result of the environment they have grown in. If a man has been raised in a family where expression of hurt feelings, tears, sharing of concerns or questions are viewed as accusations or confrontation, or if assertion is viewed as aggression, then he might view the normal sharing of his partner as an act of intimidation, and react as he would to an actually intimidating woman.

In such cases, the man needs to be counselled about his distorted thinking and inferences and made aware of the origins of the same in his family upbringing, conditioning and environment. If the man is willing to consciously give up his inferences by being more mindful and aware about the same, a healthy communication between the couple can be established to address the issue of sexual relating.

LOSE-LOSE WITH 'DELICATE DARLING'

Shelly Walker and Andy met through a matrimonial website, dated for a few months and tied the knot. Shelly accused him of hurting her when he attempted intimacy during the honeymoon, coming across like a complaining 'baby', and Andy withdrew completely. He did not touch her for six months, and then she complained that there was no physical intimacy in their marriage. He felt accused one way or the other. After an angry outburst and blaming on the part of both, they fortunately decided to consult a sex counsellor. After a sex education session and clearing of all myths and misconceptions, they finally consummated their marriage. A woman might intimidate a man by accusing him of hurting her during intimacy.

This could either be because of her own apprehensions about sex, or her need to be pampered during intimacy. If the man hesitates for fear of causing her pain, or is not aroused due to her passivity, and if she blames him for the lack of physical intimacy in their lives, he might find himself in a lose-lose situation. Early sex counselling for the couple, addressing the myths and apprehensions of the woman, and emphasising the importance of active participation on the part of both, is the preventive and curative measure for such cases.

THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF ANXIETY

Maria and Michael Harrison had a love marriage, were successful in their own careers and financially well settled, but had a far from satisfactory sexual life. The reason was Maria's histrionic personality coupled with Michael's anxious personality. This became evident when, during counselling, Maria pointed at Michael in an accusatory way saying, "I have come here so that you can teach him how to satisfy a woman. There is something wrong with this man. He needs to be fixed." Michael look shame-faced and apologetic and said, "Actually I'm trying to understand what she likes..." and Maria cut in, "Trying is all you know. When will you do something for a change?

This is your last chance. Pull up your socks or I'm out of your life." Michael said with anxiety in his voice, "Doctor, I'm willing to do whatever you say to make things better for us. I don't know what's wrong with me." If a man is anxiety-prone about his sexual performance and the woman comes across as intimidating to him, whether actual or perceived, it simply makes him more anxious. Intimidating the man is self-defeating for the woman. In cases where the man is extremely anxious, even a normal enquiry by the woman might provoke anxiety. Therefore, the woman needs to be warm, patient, nurturing, and facilitating relaxation in the partner, in order to get him off the anxiety mode.

THE LIBERATED COUPLE

If a man has an actual organic problem and is unable to perform due to physical reasons, and if the woman is intimidating, then he views his life partner as insensitive and lacking in empathy. This can sadden him, make him depressed and bring about irreversible cracks in the relationship if she continues to put him down, threaten to have a relationship outside marriage or abandon him. When there is an organic problem, the woman needs to demonstrate great sensitivity and be a support while medical intervention is sought for the same, in the meanwhile focusing on other fulfilling areas of their life together.

When the man is simply going through one of the natural lows and has a temporary erection problem due to ill health, depression, or a major stressor in his life, and if he is neither anxious about his performance nor has any real problem, and if the woman is intimidating, the passing phase can become a permanent one.

Therefore, the woman needs to be his life partner in the truest sense of the word, sharing companionship with him, being supportive of him while he works through his stressors, and encourage him in every way she can.

In conclusion, while the sexual liberation of woman is definitely something to be celebrated and freely expressed, true liberation for both man and woman can only come from being free and liberated from the need to intimidate or be in control of the relationship, so that both can relate in mutual 'compassion', which includes 'companionship' and 'passion'.