As the meeting dragged on well past its scheduled end time, I felt a knot forming in my stomach. My partner was waiting for me, and I was torn between staying until the meeting concluded and rushing to avoid upsetting him. This internal conflict left me feeling tense and uneasy.
I knew he might be upset, and I found myself bending over backward to prevent that. A lump formed in my throat. Wait a minute, haven't I felt this way before? Only about a thousand times. And how old am I? Thirteen?
I can't pinpoint the first time I felt the fear that I was "in trouble," that something bad was going to happen, and I couldn't stop it. But this was that same feeling. And I am 55 years old, for Pete's sake.
Okay, regroup. My wonderful partner loves me. He might be inconvenienced and even annoyed, but the truth is, I don't "know for sure" that he is upset with me. Actually, it's my own thoughts that are upsetting me.
I took a couple of deep breaths and deliberately chose different thoughts. I interrupted the hamster wheel of fearful thinking with:
Out of the blue, a solution popped into my head. I grabbed my cell phone and texted him my favorite transitional statement for those awkward times:
"It sure is lucky I'm cute, isn't it?"
Smiling as I sent it off to him, I felt relieved. I am changing. Sure, I have thought habits from back in the day that still show up from time to time, but at least I am recognizing them and choosing different ones. I know for sure that when I am calm and confident, I am more likely to come up with a bit of humor to bridge the gap and get us back into good rapport.
Sipping our wine at dinner after the meeting finally ended, I enjoyed his warm attention and conversation. Had I not relieved my own anxiety, I would have projected an entirely different mood, and he would have felt my fear instead of my love. I am changing, and step by step, I am learning to leave my past in the past, where it belongs.
By understanding and addressing our own thoughts and feelings, we can improve our relationships and overall well-being. It's a journey of self-discovery and growth, one step at a time.
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