Witchcraft, often romanticized in popular culture, is a chaotic, costly, and time-consuming endeavor that rarely delivers the desired results. Having dabbled in it myself, I can attest to its impracticality and the unexpected consequences it can bring.
In an attempt to attract prosperity, I once turned to Feng Shui. I invested $40 in a book that advised me to place wind chimes on my porch, an aquarium filled with goldfish in my hallway, and a cheerful Buddha statue at my front door. Instead of attracting writing gigs, my phone was inundated with calls from people wanting to reserve tables at a non-existent restaurant. This misadventure cost me not only money but also time and effort, all for naught.
I also tried "smudging" my space, a Native American practice involving the burning of sacred herbs. Walking counterclockwise around my house with a smoldering bundle of North American grasses, I inadvertently attracted negative energy. My landlord, neighbors, and even the fire department were up in arms, demanding explanations for the strange smell and frequent fire alarms. To make matters worse, I performed this ritual "sky clad"—a term for being completely naked in witchcraft—adding to my embarrassment.
Many spells require the creation of a talisman, a small magical object meant to be carried at all times. However, no witchcraft book ever explains what to do if you lose this talisman. Imagine losing a chestnut filled with mercury and sealed with red wax, a symbol of your good luck. The anxiety of losing such an item can manifest your worst fears, making the whole exercise counterproductive.
Love spells often involve creating bizarre objects, like a potato carved to resemble your lover and stuck with pins. Imagine the mortification of having such an item fall out of your purse in front of the person it represents. Many self-help witchcraft books, such as those by Scott Cunningham and Anna Riva, suggest creating revolting objects like a melon filled with raw liver or an orange pierced with needles and cloves. These items are then hidden in your house for a lunar cycle, contributing to the stereotypical "witch's house" smell.
One of the core principles of witchcraft is the 3X3X3 rule: whatever you wish upon another will return to you threefold. This rule often clashes with human nature. I don't know a single witch who hasn't, at least once, wished something bad upon someone else, thinking they could handle the consequences. The result? You end up spending all your free time trying to reverse curses that have backfired on you threefold. This is far from practical.
Witchcraft often promises control over one's life, but this is an illusion. The Nicole Kidman character in "Practical Magic" manifests a lover who turns out to be a rapist, illustrating the dangers of amateur magic. If witchcraft could be practiced with Zen-like detachment rather than a desire for control, it might be the perfect spiritual path. Until then, beware of dabbling in dangerous amateur magic.
In the end, I have learned that the pursuit of witchcraft is fraught with pitfalls and unintended consequences. While it may seem alluring, the reality is far from the magical solutions it promises. For those considering this path, proceed with caution and be prepared for the unexpected.
Finally, I am Queen of My Domain!
This article has been fact-checked and expanded to provide a more detailed and nuanced perspective on the impracticalities of witchcraft.
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