Which Witch Are You?

The Quiz

1. These days I ride:

   • a) side-saddle
   • b) a broom
   • c) a vibrator
   • d) a vacuum cleaner
   • e) the bus home alone

2. My familiar is:

   • a) a dog named Toto
   • b) a flying monkey I conjured up the other day in my cauldron
   • c) Sailor Moon
   • d) several black cats
   • e) a gay friend

3. My idea of a good time is:

   • a) baking cupcakes for the poor
   • b) stealing food and reselling it outside the food bank
   • c) dressing up like Vampira and going to fetish night
   • d) doing impressions of Margaret Hamilton to amuse my friends
   • e) being alone so nobody hurts my feelings

4. My favorite television witch is:

   • a) Martha Stewart
   • b) Endora from Bewitched
   • c) Sabrina the Teenage Witch
   • d) Heather Locklear
   • e) Kathie Lee Gifford

5. My favorite witch movie is:

   • a) Practical Magic
   • b) The Craft
   • c) Rosemary's Baby
   • d) Mommie Dearest
   • e) The Wizard of Oz

Analyze Your Answers

A) Glinda the Good Witch

If your answers were mostly "a", you are a modern Glinda the Good Witch. You visualize all your troubles surrounded in a bubble and floating away from you, and it works. Congratulations.

1. You're probably a real tree-hugger and into horses and nature.
2. You're just like Dorothy, who was Glinda the Good Witch's protégée in The Wizard of Oz.
3. You know that all the goodness you do comes back to you threefold.
4. You love the way Martha Stewart says, "It's a good thing" at the end of every segment.
5. You love the idea of modern witches mixing up potions from their kitchen cupboards, wearing headscarves, and dancing to music by Stevie Nicks.

B) A Wicked Witch

If your answers were mostly "b", you are just plain evil.

1. If you get on a broom and your feet actually lift off the ground, that is truly creepy.
2. A monkey with wings is a dead giveaway.
3. Stealing from the poor is pretty unspeakably evil.
4. Endora's a wicked old crone just like you—only a little prettier.
5. You kind of like that Fairuza kid... you wish you had a daughter just like her.

C) You're a Witch Wannabe

If your answers are mostly "c", you're just a wannabe. You've bought one of those do-it-yourself witchcraft books at the local new-age store, and even though you've been following the recipes, havoc is still being wreaked in your life.

1. If all those love spells you do actually worked, you wouldn't need to be using a vibrator.
2. Dressing like Sailor Moon won't give you supernatural powers.
3. Dressing in a way that appeals to men empowers men, not you... think again.
4. Statistics in The Toronto Sun recently cited that witchcraft is the No. 1 interest of teenage girls, so if you're a wannabe, chances are that this is your favorite show.
5. So far you've been practicing witchcraft all by yourself. Wouldn't it be nice to belong to a real coven like Rosemary's friends?

D) Surprise... You're Not a Witch but a Gay Man!

If your answers are mostly "d", you're gay! I know it's confusing, but it's true. Gay males love a good wicked female archetype more than life itself.

1. You like to clean; that means you're gay!
2. Cats are considered to be "gay children".
3. You also like to do the occasional impression of Joan Crawford.
4. She's a Goddess in the Office! You wanna be Evil Scheming Manipulative Heather Locklear!
5. You love the scene where Joan beats little Christina with the hanger.

E) You're a Witch's Victim

If your answers are mostly "e", the only kind of spell you know is a fainting spell. You're more the kind of person prone to be the victim of witches because you refuse to acknowledge that magic exists.

1. Witches have cast spells so they get all the men and all the rides home.
2. All the straight males have been bewitched by real witches, so you're stuck with this gay friend.
3. You are the victim of the many psychic attacks practiced by amateur witchlets out there.
4. You don't really like Kathie Lee Gifford but for some reason every time she's on the TV you just can't stop watching her... it's like you're under her spell or something.
5. The Wizard of Oz is the only movie you've seen with a real witch in it.

Editorial Note: This is our beloved Samantha exercising her funny bone; athames are never meant to touch blood and are not used in any form of sacrifice. No victims were harmed or sacrificed in the writing of this article.

Interesting Witchy Stats

• Witchcraft Popularity: According to a 2014 Pew Research Center survey, 0.4% of Americans identify as Wiccan or Pagan, which translates to roughly 1 to 1.5 million people (Pew Research Center).
• Teenage Interest: A 2018 survey by The Atlantic found that witchcraft and astrology are particularly popular among millennials, with 60% of them believing in some form of new age spirituality (The Atlantic).
• Economic Impact: The witchcraft and occult market in the U.S. is estimated to be worth $2 billion annually, including books, tarot cards, crystals, and other paraphernalia (MarketWatch).

Conclusion

Whether you’re a good witch, a wicked witch, a wannabe, or just a fan of witchy things, this quiz is a fun way to explore your inner magical self. Remember, the true magic lies within you, and it’s all about how you choose to use it. Happy witching!