Break Up And How To Cope – 3 Extremely Important Things To Know

How many times have you given advice to others when they have been in the throes of a break up? 

How many times have you been able to see that they would feel better and cope better if they would just listen to what people were telling them and follow some simple rules?

We've all had times when we have been frustrated with a friend or family member, who in spite of lots of encouragement and support, just don't seem able or sometimes just don't want to pull themselves round and start to move on.

It's almost.... as though they want  to lock themselves away and wallow in their own misery.  Well that's how it can seem at times and now that you are in the same position and trying to cope with a break up, you might feel the same way.

It is very easy and perfectly normal at a time like this to want to withdraw into yourself and to feel as though you are not fit to make decisions about your life, or that you haven't got the emotional energy or inclination to make positive changes.

It may be that you really don't want to move on because you are hoping that you can get back together with your ex.

But it's at a time like this that you absolutely need to be open to advice and to take time out to think through how you are going to deal with your break up.

If you know that there is no hope of ever getting back together then you can make the whole moving on process easier for yourself by following a few simple steps. And even if you are hoping for reconciliation there is more chance of that happening if your ex can see that you are being positive and making an effort to move on.

The person who sits around feeling sorry for themselves and acting like it's the end of the world (even though that's what it feels like), is not going to be an attractive proposition.

So follow these 3 tips to give yourself the best chance:

DON'T SHUT YOURSELF OFF

Let family and friends help you.  They will all want to give you encouragement and support.

They will be able to make you see that you are loved and cared about.  Let's face it, when relationships break down, we always feel rejected and tend to take the blame on ourselves.  No matter how confident you are, when someone no longer wants to be with us, it is a big knock to our self esteem.

Family and friends can help to restore your faith in yourself and understand that when relationships go wrong it actually says more about the lack of compatibility with the other person than about you as a person.

With all the billions of people in the world – it is a fact that we are going to face rejection at some point.  Allow your loved ones to remind you of why they want you in their lives.

KEEP BUSY 

This is one of those sayings that usually make you feel like punching the person who reminds you that it is best to keep busy, the devil makes work for idle hands and any other old saying they can throw at you.

Although it is said with the best of intentions (they'll be telling you there are plenty more fish in the sea next), the very last thing you feel like doing at the moment is being sociable or tackling some big project you've been putting off.

Well, keeping busy is a good idea. 

But it doesn't necessarily mean filling every moment of every day with activities that leave you no time to dwell on your circumstances and make you fall into bed at the end of the day too exhausted to do anything but sleep.

At the very least you need to have a plan about what you will do each day.  One task, one small activity, one job, one conversation – anything so long as you have one small goal to achieve every day.

Just doing something that you have planned will give you a small sense of satisfaction and can actually turn into something you enjoy.

Think about the things that you like to do.

 Maybe you like to read, is there a particular DVD you've been meaning to watch for ages or do you enjoy sport or cooking.  Perhaps there is a hobby that you have neglected whilst you were in your relationship or one that you have always wanted to take up – and I'm not talking stamp collecting (necessarily – although if that's your thing ..).

It could be something as simple as building up your music i-library but whatever you enjoy the important thing is to do something that makes you feel better if only for a while.

Start by setting small goals for yourself.  Don't talk about "sorting the garden out today", but rather "I'll spend half an hour in the garden today". 

You are more likely to achieve specific goals and you won't feel quite as overwhelmed.

Try it, trust me, it works!

DON'T SEEK OUT MEMORIES

The most natural thing in the world after a break up, is to try and feel close to the other person by reliving memories and experiences you have shared together.

So out come the photo's, on goes 'your songs', texts are saved and re-read and you might even be stalking face book looking for a glimmer of hope.

Although you probably feel like it is the right thing to do and you really want to keep the other person as close as possible by evoking memories, there is actually nothing worse than keep reminding yourself of what you no longer have.

Why do we humans always feel the need to make ourselves feel worse?  It's like telling someone that we've hurt our foot and how painful it is when we walk on it.  And then we show them just how painful it is by walking on it, saying "Can you see how painful that looks?"

Well this is the relationship equivalent.  It really does not help to keep picking at that wound and if you really feel that you must – have one big blow out. 

Put the music one, surround yourself with photos whilst reading old text messages and e-mails and clutching a piece of clothing that still smells of your ex.

 I promise you, this is a very therapeutic way to get over this stage – if – afterwards - you consign everything, if not to the bin then to a sealed box somewhere out of sight.