We've all heard about women that stop wanting sex. What happens when it's the man that doesn't want sex? Doc explains why it happens, but more important, how to solve the problem.
I have a problem with my boyfriend of 7 months - I want sex more than he does. We have sex about 2 or 3 times a week, but I want it more. I’m told a lot that I’m very attractive and I've never had this problem with other men.
At first he was very eager, but then it faded. I often make a special effort and dress up for him, but I can’t do that all the time. He pushes me away sometimes when I come onto him and very rarely instigates sex. Its making me feel rejected and unattractive.
The other day he turned me down because had just got out of the bath and we were going out. I don’t know where to go with this and otherwise we have a good relationship, but its starting to get me down.
Hello!
This is something of an unknown - or unspoken - problem that many couples face. You've no doubt heard that in some relationships, it's the woman that wants sex less than the man, but in some (like yours) it's the other way around.
There could be any of a couple of issues going on here. Either he just doesn't need as much sex as you do, or it's the very closeness of your relationship that's causing him to be less sexually interested. Just an aside, this probably has little to do with your looks by the way.
In the first case you can do a lot to improve this here by helping to get some regular exercise, drop weight (if he's heavy), help him to change his diet, help him to relieve stress at work and many other things that can affect the libido - male OR female.
If these things aren't the case it might be the closeness problem. Let me explain: (*warning: there's some science coming up next, but it's important to help understand the problem.)
Human males (just like 98% of all mammalian species) are not monogamous by nature. In fact, it's that inborn need to hunt (to have sex with different females) that helps to insure the survival of the species and to pass their genes on to the next generation. However, we can choose to be - going against our natural wiring.
The idea of the "pair-bond" (monogamous coupling) is actually very new to humans - only being about 5,000 years old. That seems like a long time until you realize that we've been around for about 7.5 million years. That means that we've only been doing the pair-bonding thing for about 0.067% (that's 67/1000th's of a percent) of the time we've been here! We've been doing it the other way for more than 99.9% of the time! In fact, pair-bonding isn't "natural" for humans any more than it is for most mammals.
I told you that for one simple reason: your boyfriend may actually be fighting his on internal wiring to be faithful to you! This is also the reason why many men like porn - it gives us the ability to stay true to our promises to you while addressing our internal needs.
I'm guessing that you also live together which actually enhances his lack of interest. In effect, you're too close to him so his natural wiring kicks off and reduces his sexual interest in you somewhat.
Knowing this however, gives you new tools that you can use to help improve your sex life. I'm not suggesting you bring in new partners or send him out to get laid. I'm suggesting that by dressing up and even wearing a wig on occasion, you'll find that you appear like someone else and this may very well improve his interest in you.
Another way to check this is to see how he is after he comes home from a trip. Is he horny all the time for days afterward? If so, it's likely because of the separation. This tells you that by changing things up - choosing different locations for instance or having sex differently - you may really help to increase the quantity of sex you get.
For instance, instead of always starting off with a make-out session, blow him instead but don't let him finish. Then, get to the make-out session. You might also masturbate for him and let him do that for you too. There are 1001 ways to change things up and they don't have to be big changes at all. All of these things will help to increase his sexual interest in you.
Ultimately, you're in the same boat as many of the guys that write to me. You can make some substantial improvements here with your own actions and attitudes, but you're still not likely to get all the sex you could want. It's common for couples to be somewhat sexually mismatched. Thus, I strongly encourage you to become a great mastubator at the same time to help deal with your needs.
Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman. Stay tuned for our new Internet TV Show – BAM TV – starting soon!
Copyright (c) 2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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