Don’t throw Your Teen to the Wolves

Shoplifting, sex, drinking…These is all pressures that our teens are facing every day while they are away from us.  Peer pressure is a danger that looms large in the life of all teens, like a pack of wolves hovering near unsuspecting prey.  Peer pressure either threatens to steal your teen’s fragile confidence and self-esteem in an instant, or promises the ability to fit in and be a part of the group of friends they have chosen.  When they were young children, they had you nearby to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do.  Now that your children are older, they’ve got to make those decisions on their own.  Instead of “throwing them to the wolves”, help them to be prepared to handle the pressures of teenage life and make good choices for themselves.

To give your kids the best chance possible to combat the peer pressure they will surely encounter, your best strategy is to give them every opportunity to build their self-esteem.  There are jobs for teens that can help with this, either paid or volunteer.  But what helps to build kids self-esteem more than anything is parents who listen.  As children grow into teens, and branch out to become separate people from you, it can be difficult and scary.  If not like you, then who will they be?  Here’s a statement that may help you during this time of growth and self-discovery for your teen.  Although they may seem to stray off the path during these years, once into adulthood children typically return to their roots. 

In raising teenage daughters, one might worry that they will face issues where body image will affect self-esteem in their fragile children. Ted Pappas, MD, in his quote to Cincinnati Children’s Hospital confirms this issue.  He finds that teenage girls, especially, look for their self-esteem in others. "Instead they should believe in themselves, accept themselves with all their mistakes and successes."   Here’s where things sometimes fall apart:  Fathers and daughters don’t interact as they should.  According to Linda Nielsen, a psychologist with 30 years experience, “most fathers and teenage daughters never get to know one another as well, or spend as much time together, or talk as comfortably to one another, as mothers and daughters.”  Why is this important?  Because fathers are the window for their daughters future relationships, as well as the mirror through which a daughter will look for acceptance.  Here are a few tips on how fathers can step up to the plate:

• Start by taking turns participating in activities that each enjoys
• Go to a religious service, go to a movie or spend an afternoon running errands together.
• Ask questions like: What do we like most about each other? How are the two of us alike?

 Whereas body image is an issue girls may be more prone to encountering, a wise parent will also watch for influences over the boys in the home.  The best thing a parent can do for their adolescent child regarding body image is to have a healthy image of themselves.  Although they are quite adept at hiding it, our teens really are watching and listening to us. Ed Harmon, Ph.D., from the Arbor Vitae Institute suggests you use this to your advantage by displaying a positive attitude towards yourself and towards them in a casual manner.  Parents need to understand that teens often clam up because they feel they are being subjected to a lecture rather than participating in a discussion. 

Young people are in a grey area where they are not children and not yet adults.  It is the time in life when they need their parents to be a strong presence in their lives, and yet it is the time in life when many parents disappear.  Not because they don’t care, but because they may not know what to do with their teen.  They may begin releasing their teens before the child is ready, or offer many rewards for expected behaviors just to keep the peace at home.  This type of parenting is ineffective.  Parents must continue to reach out daily to their teen children in order to open up crucial lines of communication – it is you who stands between them and the wolves.  It is you who sometimes has to hold them back when they want to join the pack! 

The fact is that the teen years are a time when these young people are experimenting and examining themselves to find out who they really are.  This is why you see boys with blue Mohawks and girls with pink and black streaked hair.  According to Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW, “Expressing independence through clothes, hair, and accessories is an important part of the adolescent maturation process.”  And your job through all of this self-examination your teen is doing?  Support them.  Here are some tips from Mr. Kendrick that will help you do just that:

• Be patient and have faith. Remember that your teen is just exploring.  Remain close to them and you will learn you still have a great deal of influence.
• Don't take it personally. They are not doing it to hurt you. This is just something they need to do for themselves
• Let them learn their own lessons.  Ouch!  We want to shield our kids from everything we can!  But what they learn from experience will have a much greater impact than anyone’s words.
• Choose your battles.  Keep the Big Picture in mind at all times.
• Support, support, support!  You don’t have to approve of the dress, but you can learn to appreciate their enthusiasm!  They will notice!
• Look for the Good.  Compliment what you can with sincerity.  This will give their self-esteem an extra boost.

Here’s the good news:  kids don’t hate their parents.  They need your guidance just as much now as ever, if not more.  Raising children is a balancing act from the time they are very young, to the time they are grown.  As much as it may seem to consume your energy to speak to your teen so they will listen -and so they will open up to you in return - the rewards both you and your teen will gain from your efforts will last a lifetime.  You may even find the adventure of getting to know and appreciate the complex person that is your teen child thrilling!