Can We Talk?

One of the easiest ways to complicate our lives is in the
area of interpersonal relationships, and the closer the
people are to us, the more complicated it can get!
Misunderstandings arise in the blink of an eye: a poor
choice of words, an unconscious gesture, an incorrect
interpretation, sometimes a deliberate attack. All of these
cause strain on our relationships and stress on all the
parties involved.

Open, clear - and immediate - communication is the key to
maintaining the joy in relationships. Some people enjoy the
challenge and adrenaline rush of a good verbal fight. But
even those can turn on a dime. Here are some tips for
keeping your relationships smooth and stress-free.

1. Don't Assume. You know what that makes of U and ME!

When you're not sure, ask what the person meant. And even
more importantly, when you ARE sure, ask what the person
meant. How many times have you been angry with someone,
talked about it, and found yourself saying 'I thought you
meant.'?

2. Don't Interpret Initial Responses or Unconscious
Gestures.

This has been a hard one for me to learn. If I suggest
something and my husband makes a (usually unconscious)
face, I take it as a no. I get hurt or angry and then I
tend to withdraw (if he's lucky!). After 9 years, I am
just beginning to get the point that he needs time to mull
over the suggestion and rearrange his planned day. In the
past, by the time he got around to 'Are you ready to
(whatever I had suggested)?', I'd say no. I'd figure
that he didn't really want to do it and it wasn't going to
be fun if he was there under duress. What he's finally
helped me see is that I was putting him in a box, not
allowing him time to evaluate the suggestion, which I'd
usually had hours to do before suggesting it to him! He
also pointed out that if he didn't really want to do
something, he never asked me if I was 'ready' to do it or
he'd say so right away.

3. Don't Wait to Talk About It.

The longer you put off talking about stress in a
relationship, the more stressful the relationship becomes.
The more you think about the small slight or hurt, you more
you remember - or invent - big ones. And then, when that
molehill becomes an erupting mountain, the other person has
no idea where it's coming from! As soon as you realize
something is 'off', talk about it.

4. Put Yourself in Their Shoes.

Imagine how you would feel and react to the situation. This
isn't always easy to do, but it puts you in a place where
conversation becomes possible.

5. Start Conversations with 'I'.

Tell the other person 'When you do x, I feel..' Let them
know why something affects you. Also, starting with a
'You' statement generally feels like (and often is) an
attack. Those conversations usually escalate before they an
get better.

6. When someone asks what's wrong, don't say 'Nothing'.

This is something a lot of us women do. I don't know why we
do, but we do. If you are lucky enough to have someone who
asks what's wrong, then tell them! They obviously care
enough to want to remove the stress, so work with them on
this one!