"Every with-hold you have from someone, is a brick in the wall between you." Do you tell the truth? What percentage of the time? 100%? Or 90%? And when you do tell the truth, do you tell 100% of it? Or 90%?
"You look great". "I don't mind". "Yes, sex is good". "Everything's fine at home". "I'm sorry". "I didn't mean to". "Something came up".
And what about the truths we don't say - the "with- holds"? "I'm really upset that you canceled on me". "I don't feel respected by you". "I lie to you so you'll like me". "I'm worried if I tell you the truth you'll be angry". "It's important to me that you be on time".
You're either telling the truth, lying, or with-holding. Even most of us with the best intentions DO NOT tell 100% of the truth, 100% of the time.
Why?
We CAN'T tell the whole truth - about what we want, how we feel, what we love, what we hate. Because we need people to like us, to love us, to accept us, to want to hang around us. "If I told Jill she needs a wash, she'd be upset, or even freak out". "If I told Bill I'm not enjoying sex, we'd both be embarrassed, and he might leave me". So we get to protect, hide-out, manipulate, and control.
The Irony
If we don't tell the truth, people CAN'T love us! The only way we can really be loved - really be accepted, is to show who we are. To be who we are. Only THEN, once you are truly seen, is it possible for someone to accept the real you. If we instead show a "front" ("No, no - it's OK that you're late"), they can only like, love, accept the "front"! Then we feel more alone than ever, and maybe even resentful.
And consider this: if you don't show who you ~really~ are, how will the beautiful souls on the planet who are looking for ~you~, find you? They'll see your "front", and move on!
In "The Truth About Relationships", Greg Baer says: "Only when I tell the truth can I be clearly seen by others. Only then can I feel ~accepted~ by them and feel that they genuinely care about my happiness (Real Love). I create the opportunity to be loved when I tell the truth about myself."
So there it is. How do we be who we really are? How do we give people the chance to see us, to accept the "real me"? Risky, but simple: Tell the Truth.
When we Tell the Truth
I recently had the opportunity to dig deep, and reveal a very uncomfortable truth. I was developing a nice friendship with a very beautiful woman, and at a certain point, had a "flash": one reason I was drawn to beautiful women in particular, was that love/affection/acceptance from ~this~ group of human beings, felt valid and important - I let it in. However, affection from people I didn't find physically attractive, I tended to devalue. Let's get right down to it - "I could be using her to feel important!!???". While I wasn't proud of this view, and am committed to moving past it, at that moment it was part of who I am, and I risked sharing it with her.
The result? It felt incredibly freeing, creating a very safe space of honesty, and brought us even closer together.
When you're willing to dig deep, find the truth, and risk sharing it, you:
- Create a possibility for true acceptance, and real love. - Increase your self expression, which feels great! - Get led to who you really are, and to what you really love/hate. - Grow, and find more truth, and grow, and find more truth, and grow... - Have nothing to hide - how freeing is that!? - Attract those people ready for, and looking for, you! - Lose people who drain you (i.e. upgrade!) - Give others a gift - something ~real~ - as opposed to something false. - Create a safe space for them to tell ~their~ truth!
How Do I "Up" My Level of Truth-Telling?
Dear risk-takers: There ARE risks associate with this practice. Particularly for those of us who like to stick to the comfort zone, please note that ~anything~ can happen - both negative, and wonderfully positive - if you do the following:
a) Write down the names of three people you would like to feel closer to - e.g. spouse, boss, employee, friend, you!
b) Next to each name, write down at least one thing that's important to you, but you would feel uncomfortable or unsafe telling them. What have you been with-holding?
c) Tell them. Setting up the space: let them know this is NOT about them. It's not about anything they have done wrong. It's simply about you, how you feel, what works for you, and that you want to let them know where you are. (Tip: If it's something you don't need them to do anything about, let them know that!)
d) Now, give them exactly the same space! The room to share their with-holds with you. Ask them: "Is there anything you would feel uncomfortable telling me?" "Have I ever disappointed you?" (What a question!). Let them know they can say anything, and you'll simply hear it, putting all your reactions aside. (Tip: If you're not willing to put your stuff aside, don't do this! If you can't control it, leave the room).
Risk a little!
David
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