Defend your Manhood

A man’s reproductive organs can encounter a variety of technical difficulties. Consider this your troubleshooting guide.

Men are a little uncomfortable about their genitals. Girls in skirts and undies rock, but most guys wouldn’t dare don a kilt. R-rated movies showcase female pink parts, but they cover Borat’s phallus with a black rectangle. And while women have an entire area of medicine dedicated to the health of their private regions, if it wasn’t for the hernia check, men would hardly drop in at the doc’s office.

The result? When it comes to caring for some of our most critical equipment, the stuff we need to know, keeping our species going – we’re virtually clueless. And that ain’t good, because a lot can happen to a man’s penis, testes and prostate: itchiness, infection, pain, bumps, sores, growths, rashes, burning, drooping, swelling, clogging and cancer.

If you’re not paying attention, you can wind up sick, sterile or dead. With a little knowledge, you can head much of the bad stuff off at the pass. Start here. These scenarios may make you wince, but at least you’ll know what to do when they happen to you.

There’s an Agonizing Pain in my Scrotum

The Cause: Assuming you weren’t just kicked there, one of your testes is probably twisted around something called the spermatic cord, cutting off the blood supply. This causes a sharp pain.

The Cure: Head to casualty. If it isn’t treated within four hours, you can lose a testicle. The doctors at the hospital will do an ultrasound to assess whether your testicle and cord are indeed twisted. If that’s the case, a urologist will be called to untangle things. Then he’ll suture each testicle to the inside of your scrotum to prevent the tension from happening again.

There’s a slightly less Agonizing Pain

The Cause: The coiled tube that carries sperm from your testes has probably become inflamed due to a bacterial infection. The most common culprits are gonorrhoea, Chlamydia, and in men over 40, a urinary tract infection that migrated. The testes themselves can also become inflamed.

The Cure: Don’t just pop some aspirin and tough it out. If you don’t treat it, the tubes can become scarred and blocked. You could become infertile. See your doctor who will prescribe some oral antibiotic to tackle the bacteria. Swelling and pain should begin to lessen within three days, but it could take months for all symptoms to subside.

I have Pain in my Penis, Testes and Lower Belly, and Down my Legs, and it Hurts when I Urinate or Ejaculate

The Cause: Chronic pelvic pain syndrome, usually resulting from an inflamed prostate gland. It’s a collection of symptoms that originates from an injury, often an infection, and the problems come from how the body responds to that infection.

The Cure: Two thirds of men will get better with antibiotics in the early stages. For those whose inflammation persists beyond initial infection use herbal based bioflavonoid preparations, which reduce inflammation. Prescription agents that block an important receptor in the region also reduce pain and can improve urinary flow. Still other men suffer from nerve and muscle spasms, requiring muscle relaxants and physical therapy.

See a urologist, but you can help your cause by taking hot baths, avoiding alcohol, spicy foods and caffeine and using a doughnut shaped cushion when sitting for long periods of time.

It Feels like my Scrotum is a Bag of Worms, and my Goolies are Droopier than Sophia Loren’s Bust Line

The Cause: Sometimes the valves inside the veins of the scrotum don’t close properly, so blood pools and they swell. The resulting bundle of enlarged veins, or varicoceles, doesn’t always hurt, but the extra blood warms the testes. This jeopardizes sperm production (which requires temps cooler than 37 degrees C) and causes the testes to hang away from the body. About 20% of men will experience a varicocele at some point.

The Cure: If you notice you have low hanging fruit, see a urologist who specializes in infertility. He or she can stop blood from pooling by tying off the veins or blocking them. Its minor outpatient surgery and you can have sex again in three weeks, although you should schedule a follow up semen analysis in three to four months. In 60% of infertile men, semen quality will improve after surgery. Even if you not trying to conceive, the problem should be corrected if it’s painful or creates a size discrepancy between testes.

My Semen has a Reddish Tint, and it Drips out Rather than Shoots when I Ejaculate

The Cause: When infections begin to heal, scar tissue can form and create a blockage in the ejaculatory duct. It’s like a 5 lane highway becoming a 2 lane highway. The red tint is blood from the initial infection. Your ejaculate volume may drop below the average of half a tablespoon and continue to dribble like a professional football player after you achieve orgasm.

The Cure: You can function with a dribbly ejaculate, but it’s kind of a buzz kill. Fortunately, there’s a surgical solution. The formal term is ‘transurethral resection of the ejaculatory ducts’, but it’s simpler than it sounds. We just scrape out the scar tissue and that opens it all up. You can resume sexual activity within 7 – 10 days.

I’m 25 and in Great Shape, but I have Trouble Maintaining an Erection

The Cause: About 25% of erectile dysfunction cases are psychological, and it could be anything from relationship issues to performance anxiety. For example, a man may have a sexual experience after heavy drinking and fail to get it up. In subsequent sexual attempts without alcohol, he’ll remember that episode, think something’s wrong with him, and be unable to perform.

The Cure: Once physical factors have been ruled out, try seducing her after a romantic breakfast. Your testosterone levels peak around 7am, so your hormones, and your penis, will be at full attention then. In many cases, such as the aforementioned alcohol scenario, a pharmaceutical option can also offer a helping hand. A little added self confidence – such as receiving some extra lift from Viagra – goes a long way in this arena. If all else fails, seek counseling to address the underlying psychological issues.

I have a Itchy Red Rash in my Groin Area

The Cause: If it’s on your thighs, it’s often tinea cruris, a fungus that thrives in warm, moist environments like, gym shorts that haven’t been washed since the Mandela presidency. If it’s bright red and right on the penis, it may be a yeast infection, which can pass from women to men through unprotected sex.

The Cure: Prevention wise, shed damp gym clothes and shower immediately after exercise and dry the area thoroughly before dressing. For treatment, an over the counter medication like AF ointment can work wonders. Continue using it for 1 – 2 weeks after the rash is gone. For a yeast infection, try an over the counter antifungal cream, applying twice daily for a week. Don’t treat either condition with hydrocortisone cream. By suppressing your immune system, hydrocortisone will actually make the fungus worse.

I have Cauliflower Shaped Growths on my Penis

You have genital human papillion virus, Chlamydia, genital herpes, gonorrhoea, syphillis, and molluscum. You haven’t been wearing a condom, have you?

The Cures: We’re not here to lecture you on STI’s, but there are a few things you should know. First, if a person has an STI it increases the risk of getting HIV if you have sex with an HIV positive person, as usually these STI’s result in defects in the epithelium (open wounds) through which the virus can pass. If you or your partner has a STI, it is important for both of you to receive treatment, to stop re-infection of one another.

There’s a Bulge in my Groin, and it Hurts when I Bend Over or Cough

The Cause: You should have hired movers to lift that fridge. Inguinal hernias occur when part of the intestine protrudes through a congenitally weak abdominal wall. It’s often associated with a major straining episode, but a simple sneeze can set it off.

The Cure: If it’s small and doesn’t bother you, no action is needed. If it’s growing or painful, lying down with your pelvis higher than your head can reduce the discomfort, but ultimately you’ll need surgery. This will come in the form of either a herniorrhaphy, in which the surgeon pushes the protruding intestine back into your abdomen and the edges of healthy tissue are sewn together, or the more modern hernioplasty, in which a piece of synthetic mesh is laparascopically inserted to cover the entire inguinal area. A surgeon will discuss and recommend the option best suited to repair your particular type of abdominal wall tear. You’ll be back to work within a few days.