Explore Your Hidden Sexual Fantasies

The 'Hypothalamus' is a small portion of our brain where sexual desires arise in men as well as in women. Sex is primarily a 'cerebral' phenomenon and not genital. The genitals simply execute the commands of our brain. This makes it clear that sexual arousal, the ability to enjoy sex and even the climax are primarily governed by our brain. Fantasies, preferences, turn-ons, likes and dislikes in sex are predominantly functions of our brain. If this is so, then physiologically, men as well as women have an equal ability to generate varied sexual desires and fantasies. Unfortunately, women have been culturally far more inhibited in their sexual expression in the past. Today's woman, however is becoming more and more aware about her own sexuality, her fantasies and her equal participation in sex.

BEING LEFT WANTING

"She nags me during the day and complains of a migraine at night. We haven't had intimate contact with each other since months now. I am frustrated and there seems no end in sight. I love her but she says that I don't care for her. What should I do?" said a young married man. During counselling, the wife burst into tears and said, "He just uses me when he wants sex; he doesn't love me." Further probing revealed that she had normal sexual urges and had several encounters with her husband after their marriage. But as time passed, her angry outbursts increased and so also her nagging her husband and calling him selfish. With her nocturnal migraines becoming a daily affair, there would be no possibility of intimacy. She admitted that though he was caring and concerned about her, she was unexplainably angry with him most of the time; in fact, she felt more so, and sad and confused after every sexual act.

Apparently, her husband would invariably take the lead, act impatiently during foreplay, penetrate much before she was fully aroused and ready, always perform intercourse in a missionary position (man on top) and finish the act in seconds. It never occurred to him that she may have different ideas of love-making, may prefer taking the lead sometimes, would like to be an 'active' partner during the act and would prefer some other positions too. Once the couple discussed their mutual likes and dislikes, fantasies and preferences, the importance of mutually pleasurable foreplay, various possible settings during love-making, discovering each other's erogenous zones, things changed for the better.

STORMING A 'MALE' BASTION

Many women pass their entire married life without even once experiencing orgasm and complete satisfaction during sex. Most end up as nags, develop problems like migraines or have extramarital affairs, and obsessive indulging in masturbation. Some can also become severely depressed, develop suicidal tendencies, have violent outbursts and even severe forms of psychoneurosis. Imagine the frustration of the woman whose sexual energy has started its journey at the beginning of the sexual act, and is suddenly left 'high and dry', as the energy is not allowed to complete its journey.

On conducting a survey, it was found that a significant percentage of men and even women felt that any position besides the 'missionary position' amounted to indecent sex indulged only by prostitutes or nymphomaniacs.

Surprisingly, the majority of the male population seemed to talk of sex as a 'male domain', and the woman as a 'passive' partner who allowed the man sexual gratification. A significantly small percentage spoke about sexual needs, preferences and fantasies of the female partner.

In the Kamasutra by Vatsayana, the different asanas (postures) recommended ensure that the woman plays an 'active' part in the sexual act, without which she cannot experience complete sexual satisfaction. In addition, as compared to the man, the woman takes longer to get aroused, needs to be touched, fondled, caressed as per her needs and fantasies. And once she is aroused fully, if she is allowed to actively move in a way that she desires stimulating her sensitive areas, she can climax with or even before her partner.

COMMUNICATE YOUR FANTASIES

Many women think about their sex life in the right direction and in the right proportion, but find themselves completely at a loss when it comes to 'doing' something about it. "How can my husband and I love each other so much, yet have such a dull and unexciting sex life?" asked a friend who is herself a clinical psychologist. Had she discussed the problem with her husband, a gynaecologist, to whom she has been married for over 11 years? "I seem to be able to talk to him about everything but our sex life," she said at last. "I don't know how to tell him what I desire without seeming critical."

Women of all educational levels and life experiences, voice similar sentiments. Most married people lack basic information about their spouse's sexual preferences. My own informal survey of 70 wives found a myriad of fantasies they wanted to share with their husbands. But, as one woman told me, "It is difficult to know how to begin." As a sex therapist, it is my continuous endeavor to make couples talk to each other openly about everything that matters to them. For everyone in a conjugal relationship, and at all the stages of their relationship, "communication" is the life-line.

To revitalise your sexual relationship too, 'communication' is critical. It isn't the amount or quality of sexual relations that makes or breaks marriage, but rather the degree of "fit" between partners' sexual needs, fantasies and priorities. Such mutuality comes only with communication. Try to define for yourself and your spouse what your complaints and pleasures are. Many people are uncomfortable and shy about making specific requests, but open talk and experimentation are vital. No one can automatically know what pleases another, without adequate feedback. Love does not make one a mind reader, but instead, love is trusting each other enough, to ask openly and answer honestly.