Fantasy Lovers: Who They Are And How To Handle Them

It can be much easier to fall in love with one's fantasy than with a flesh and blood person. For some, their major satisfaction comes through fantasy, even when they are with someone real. For others, that filmy shadow between fantasy and reality can be very hard to detect. Some men impose their fantasies upon real women, others refuse to have on-going contact with a woman in order to maintain her status as a fantasy lover, forever enshrined in their minds and hearts. Although men who prefer fantasy over reality seem to love women, the real women they encounter may forever be strangers to them.

Some of the fantasy lovers are men who can't tolerate their own dependency on women because they experience it as emasculating. They therefore withdraw into fantasy. Some downgrade the woman to make her appear a lot less valuable than she really is to them. Others over-idealize women, and projects their strength and gifts onto them. Others use these fantasies as ways of compensating for anxiety or emptiness in their lives.

For other fantasy lovers, so called "ordinary life" is fraught with activities and behaviors that are filled with conflict, boredom, or dread. Women, for them, are a way to step out of everyday life into a magical realm. They view their encounters as time apart where they can renew themselves. Of course these encounters cease to be renewing when reality starts pressing in.

Robert Johnson, Ph.D., a well known writer and analyst, describes this situation beautifully in his book, WE: "When a man's projections on a woman unexpectedly evaporate, he will often announce that he is disenchanted with her, disappointed that she is a human being rather than the embodiment of his fantasy. If he would open his eyes, he would see that the breaking of the spell opens a golden opportunity to discover the real person who is there. It is equally the chance to discover the unknown parts of himself that he has been projecting on her and trying to live through her as well."

To illustrate this point, when a fantasy lover, Jimmy, finally found the woman of his dreams, he saw her twice, and said after that he would never see her again. "Whoever thought something like this would happen?" Jimmy said. "It was summer and I was passing through, went to a dance and all of a sudden bumped into this beautiful woman. We looked at each other and that was it. The magic was really something. Neither of us could part. It was perfect. I was terrified. She was married, but we both knew we belonged to each other. At the end of the night we didn't take each other's numbers. We just had our night and said good-bye."

The possibility of ever being with such a woman in "ordinary reality" was something that terrified Jimmy because of his feeling that he could not hold her, didn't deserve her, or could never love her enough. Jimmy immediately got caught projecting all his dreams and fears upon this woman.

Of course, his only seeing her briefly, served another purpose as well. Once she became part of his ordinary reality, neither she nor he would be special or perfect anymore. Jimmy longed to have at least a small taste of perfection. To do that he had to hold onto her as a dream. "I couldn't help it," he continued, "A couple of weeks later I went back to the same club and there she was again. I knew she would be too. The same thing happened again. We had another magical night together. Then after it was over, we both said to each other we hoped we never saw each other again. We didn't want these incredible feelings we shared to be lost in a normal life."

For Jimmy, being truly happy, connected and affirmed could only happen in the world of illusion. " I'm gonna live off that memory the rest of my life." he said.

Because a fantasy lover's ordinary life is so fraught with conflict about himself and women, he craves this perfect fantasy love. It is a place to which he can always return when he needs to feel cared for and worthy. A fantasy love cannot be threatened or damaged. It also cannot be taken away. Of course the pain and contradiction inherent in this situation is that holding onto this fantasy prevents the possibility of finding ongoing, real love - a love that could truly nourish and sustain. But what woman could compare to this memory? And, of course, a fantasy woman is never tested in any way.

In effect, the fantasy lover is saying that love is illusion; it's all he can have and wants. In fantasy he can have everything, without being challenged, or facing the incredible otherness of a real human being. Therefore, ultimately his fantasy serves to close him off and make him unattainable, which is a loss for others as well as himself.

Basically it is important to remember a fantasy lover is never in love with the woman he meets, but rather with the fantasy she provides. He has no conception of sacrifice in a relationship, of giving up some of his plans for the greater harmony. Therefore, by definition, this kind of relationship can only last for a certain time.

Touchstones To Remember

(Ways To Deal With The Fantasy Lover)

FOR WOMEN

- If a man is in the throes of needing only fantasies, realize it. Let him go. - If he is looking for a relationship, give him plenty of space to express his fantasies. - Build his self esteem. Let him know when he pleases you. Let him know all the things he does right. - Never take it personally when he looks at and appreciates beautiful women. He's going to do it for his whole life. Don't make him feel guilty about it. As soon as you do, he'll be gone. - Watch your expectations of him. Fantasies are hard to give up. - Be sure you can tolerate this situation. Enjoy the fantasy with him, or say good-bye.

FOR MEN - While fantasies can be delicious, realize that they limit you. - Find different qualities worth loving in some real women you meet. Write them down and dwell upon them. - Try to understand what it is that you cannot trust about real women and love. - See if there are ways that you can find excitement and beauty in your everyday life. Is it always necessary to resort to fantasy when you want to live an elevated life? - Fantasy can sometimes replace the longing for true spiritual practice. Stop a moment and consider whether meditation, prayer or other spiritual practices might fulfill a deeper need? - The attraction to fantasy can also be positively transformed into creative expression. It might be meaningful to try your hand at music, writing, art, or some other expression of your deepest self.