The Great

Are there Stages of Grief? "Yes," said Kubler-Ross. "They're a myth," says Konigsberg. "Current scientific literature has found no evidence of the 5-stage model," says Dr. Bonanno.

"Time out - Step back and go to your neutral corners! Let's sort this one out," says Timothy J. O'Brien, director of the Institute for Stress Management & Performance Improvement. "While informative and interesting, all of these approaches explain the 'what and why' of grief but they miss the critical point that the death of a loved one is the most severe stress response humans, can experience. And, it should be approached, dealt with and treated from that point of view."

In her defense, Kubler-Ross, in her book On Death and Dying, was writing for terminally ill patients wanting to explain to them stages of emotions that they might experience. Reviewers, critics and writers took her 5-stage model and adapted it to the bereavement process in hopes of giving grievers guidelines or guideposts of what to expect during their bereavement. It became the predominant, uncontested explanation for grief. Problem was, no one really ever questioned or tested this model to see if it actually was how we as humans experienced grief. That has changed.

Dr. Bonanno in his book The Other Side of Sadness accurately observes that scientific researchers have never been able to find evidence of Kubler-Ross' 5 stage model. Citing the researchers "Stroebe and Shutt," Bonanno discusses the new thinking as more wave like patterns of emotional experiences than actual stages. Bonanno also accurately states that bereavement is, "essentially a stress reaction."

Author Konigsberg, in her book The Truth About Grief: The Myth of Its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss argues that the stages, if they do exist, do not all happen to every person and they might or might not occur in the linear fashion described by Kubler-Ross. A second major point that Konigsberg makes is that not everyone is an automatic and immediate candidate for grief counseling just because someone close and important to them has died. The hardiness research would tend to agree with this assessment. A resilient person when faced with a major setback, like the death of a loved one, tends to be better equipped mentally, emotionally and physically to withstand the impact of the situation.

All major discussions on what path or format grief follows, agree on one point: if the person who is grieving feels overwhelmed or unable to handle the loss of their loved one on their own, they should seek professional help in the form of group or private counseling.

Whether grief follows a series of stages, or ebbs and flows like waves, the course and resolution of the process for an individual depends on the frequency, duration and intensity of the grief episodes they experience. And, these will vary from person to person and for an individual, based on the relationship they had with the person who has died and the triggers that set a grief episode in motion.

Grief is a major stress event. Look to stress management and relaxation training, both mental and physical for clues to how to best deal with it.